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schizo vents
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By:
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MrsLovett
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Mood:
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twisted
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Date:
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May 16, 2008, 01:03 PM
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Music:
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None
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schizo. vent XI: ARGH!!!!! (and i’m not a fricking pirate!)
Current mood: mental
Category: mental Travel and Places
this whole bipolar thing is a fucking bitch. bitch bitch bitch. i get it under control it, it gets me back, i get it under control, it gets me back. ARGH! thoughts thoughts spinning around in my head faster than i can fully think them. words can't even come out of my mouth in coherent content cause it all just spews out so quickly, fingers moving so fast across these keys its a wonder any of this is coming out as it should! ARGH! mania mania mania angry mania the worst fucking kind! the screaming the disgusting disheartening words that come out of my mouth. i surprise myself with its volume and intensity. i'm ashamed. i hate it. i just lose it lose it and just when i was following the rules and realizing fuck even rules don't matter. there is nothing that wins this. not drugs. not rules. what is it fucking will. well i even had that conversation with myself today. what does it mean not to be this way. not to be bipolar. just to be happy and not explosive over the top happy. just to think one complete thought all the way through to fruition and not a million in one miraculous ideas that can change the world change everything change everyone change me all coming at me all at once. what would it be just to be sad. just sad. cry and it be over. not depressed. not drowning myself in food, in self loathing, and waste. not being so fucking angry that i become such a horrible person . by now my kids hate me. i am a horrible mother. my kids will have issues thanks to me. not mikey's father who did really fucking horrible things that hurt me and was never there. no all me. all me. and the big ugly monster. but anywho back to what i was saying stay on track. if not bipolar. what does that me normal. what does it mean to be normal. do i really want to be normal. oh but i can't have that converstaoin right now...its really really bad thoughts too many worries too many i've lost it was doing so well and i lost it big baby. messy kitchen, messy house, kids hating me i'll probably be up most of the night and have to get up at 5 o clock in morning and fuck typing propbblay if all doesn't cmoe out right because i'm goind to so fucking fast because it is all so fast in my mind oh the well fuck! i'm tired. i'm wide awake. i think how can i sleep with dirty dishes and the kids not taken care of. but yet i can't fucking move. its like i'm paralyzed. frozen in my body when my mind is doing a thousand things. and i lost like 3 fucking hours where did they go i was like there and then it was gone gone gone and now its done and how will i get it back. how will i take back all the things i said and did in that time. all things i didn't do and i can't stop thinking. and i just don't know why my body won't move and yet my fingers are racing wildly against the keys. i can hear you all now. quit being a baby get over yourself and do what you (do yo uknow it just took me like a whole minute just to type one fucking word because i had to do it over again because it just wouldn't come out right and now ont ope of that i actually find myself typing words backwards!) have to do the only reason why you do this for attention the onley reason why you blog on "whore space" is for attention to seem iomportant in y9our own little world in your own self conceited mind. no body caresa and everyone realizes your pathetic. nothing. not who you say you are thats for sure because if you can do this then you can do all those things you said you wanted to do. i'm an out of control animal. so i'm like ok what do i do. i'm stuck. i've been this way for quite sometime and it doesn't get better. it doesn't. and i dont' like who i've become. i cna't go to therapy. can't afford it and i know they will lock me up. they will. once the words start spewing out my mouth and the htoughts and they'll sorry we have no choice. and they'll want to medicate me. i can't. can't do that. can't do meds. can't they're bad. been on them before didn't go well. seen others on them... not well. done the research. i can't do that i won't but this this is no good either i dont' like me. i don't. or atleast not this person. i've chewed all my nails off i got the heat jacked up to 78 un fucking heard of in this hous. cause see i'm cold when i'm suppose to be comfortable. its a comfortabel temp but i'm cold. just like i'm hot when im suppose to be cold. i meanreally i'm an educated person. meaning i don't follow things bllindly i do my research i don't listen t on on oe side of the story. but my head my head that educated part of my head that part that knows me really well says rhiannon oh my god do you realize do you look at yourself you're heading for a fuckign break down. not just ok find the razor and bleed for awhile or even really go nuts and cut uncontrollably, summon a few demons, etc. i mean really really fucking break down. and its scarey scarey. like i just get in this zone now where i freeze. brain freezes, body freezes and i just can't fucking do anythign. i don't even feel like i blink. i'm not there. or for no reason or many reasons i just cry. cry. and i don't want to but i move i cry, bryan says one word to me and i cry. i just cry. and i forget things forget thing me i smart person. i forget what someone just told me. and i'm completely lost. and did i remember to that and what about that. and then i 'm so witty and funny. and i amaze myself just how i pulled that out of my fucking ass. and then i'm here again. neglected kids and house. here again. spinning around in circles. and i look at myslef and i think god this isnt' me it isn't me and when will it stop. when what will it take i don't want to think about that because thats scarey i have scarey enough visions without thinking about that . my head hurts my head is hurting really bad. and now i think i am finally warming up maybe a little too warm. and i keep thinking about poor haakan. passed out on mikey's bed still in his clothes, food on his face, falling asleep upset at me. and i feel so horrible horrible. good mommies aren't like this. and there there i go crying again. and i don't want to work tomorrow. i want to stay home and do what i didn't do tonight be a good mommy. but i'll get in trouble at work. and would it do any good? would it just be another today and isn't haakan and mikey better off away from me if so. but i just don't wanna go. and i think i've slowed. and so i think i will go. and yes....i am weak thank you.
schizo vent XII: holy crap
Current mood: black
Category: black Travel and Places
shit! i did it i called in. and i really went all manic depressive when i did it too. i woke up after actually sleeping in such a sedated bipolar sleep. i didn't take any pills theres is just no other way to describe it. if you're bipolar you know what i mean. i was so depressed and overwhelmed last night i just went kind of numb and began to internally crash. after that nothing but sleep could have happened. i woke up again feeling abolutely paralyzed drug myself out of bed. and knew knew i just couldn't do it. convinced myself i had to and tehn right when i started to get ready, the stupid tears just came. but then i got them under control. five minutes later they came back uncontrollably. i knew if i went in i'd risk really showing my true form to everyone. so i called in. and no i culdn't just make up some lame excuse like the kids were sick or something. anna answered the call and she is one of my bosses. and i respect her. and she always seems to be concerned about my well being. and i just fucking lost it. i started bawling just telling her that i couldn't come in i wasn't well. she sensed the tears in my voice and asked me if everything was ok and i cried even more and get this told her i am bipolar and that i am having a moment. and that i feel awful about it but i just couldn't do it today. oh my goddess what have i done. not only i am sure to get in trouble for calling in but i told her the truth why. oh no. now my secret is out. what have i done. after i got off the phone i immediately started bawling convulsing. then i had a panic attack and now i just want to go disappear. wow thats the first time i've said that in a long time. i could lose everything i've worked so hard for at work. oh shit. god damn...i'm sorry bryan.
schiz vent XIII: foot in big ass fucking mouth
Current mood: worried
Category: Travel and Places
oh good goddess, what have i done? i actually called in this morning. and it wasn't just good enough to say "hey i can't come in because i'm sick" no i had to go "i'm not well" boo hoo and cry like a bitch. and when asked what was wrong i say the words of professional death "i'm bipolar". holy hell! what was i thinking? clearly i wasn't. i had reviews to write today that were due monday! i had people depending on me and i let them all down. i surely see consequence to this. and now i have to go find one if not all of my supervisors and explain that i am competent to do my job. that yes i'm mentally fucked up but i'm not crazy!!!! lol. thats hillarious.
part of me says fuck it. let them look at me all skeptical. let them pull me in their pretty little offices and say to me "now rhiannon you know your absenteeism has become a problem" and fuck me having to prove that i am competent in my job. haven't i already done that enough?
its just who i am. the outspoken. the one who stands up when something isn't right. the inexperienced one. the one who obviously marches to a different tune. oh now guess what....she's a looney! isn't that great!
if only my old supervisor was around. he understood. we once had an employee who was bipolar. she used that for her absences. i told him once i understood where she was coming from because i myself know the signs. he knew what i was implying and told me his mother is bipolar. the next time we talked he told me how remarkable i was that i didn't let it get to me. how i always hold my head up and march on. and he was impressed by that. i told him it wasn't always an easy thing and sometimes it gets to me more than i let on. and he told me if ever if was an issue...it was ok...he understood. he even said if ever needed to reduce my hours for awhile that was cool. but he went away of course all the good ones always do. no one at work has that attitude now. and now i fucked myself!
who knows what will happen? so i'm screamed bipoloar. will they want to talk about it. is it any of their business? will they ask me if i'm getting treatment? and how do i explain to them how i feel about treatment? and thats really none of their business but when it affects work does that make it their business?
ya know i can keep telling myself that i just needed this day to get myself back on track. to get everything physically in order so i convince the mental side to follow suit. and that now after today i'm going to try really hard to stick to all the rules of routine to keep myself in check. but i can't guarantee any of that. this is an unpredictable "disease". so what the hell do i do?
ya know i write these thing for my benefit. i've said that before. getting words out of my head helps a bit. i've also said i write for others going through the same thing. it really matters not if anyone reads it and responds. not to sound conceited and unappreciative, just saying. but where is that one comment. that one that says "i get it...i understand. and you know what you're exactly right in the way you feel, blah blah blah" or even the exact opposite "rhiannon get over yourself. rhiannon you're a fucking arrogant looney and i don't believe in half the shit you write about" i just wonder. for i see i've had 13 views today alone. and 62 for the week. but even if none of those 62 ever respond. and one person read it and said to themself "wow i'm not alone"...then thats good enough for me. and i'm not dumb i know its happened.
true schizo vent XIV
Current mood: schizo
Category: schizo Travel and Places
ok so seriously hearing voices. hearing voice coming out this god damned screen and the volume is all the way down and there is absolutely nothing on the screen that should be making noise.
god damn when will this stop. its getting pathetic out of control. one thing after another after another after another after another after another can't stop another.
voices! like not in my head outside my head not good not fun. want to scream want to cry again want to do things i really shouldn't be doing in times like these. having thoughts i haven't had in ages what the fuck what the fuck.
voices shut up. not real don't want to hear. and whats more, triggers the voices in my brain. yep perfect just perfect now i have to argue now i have to fight when i feel most defeated. head hurts, neck hurts. want to engorge myself on food. want to pop some pills. want shiney shiney shiney sharp things. aw heaven. actually thougth about stopping at the liquor store today. what the fuck is up with that. i don't drink alone. can barely drink socially anymore. its crazy crazy. shut up no. argh stop type breathe ok good. need music need inside the cold or something good cutting music no no no no survival music dolt. remember remember who you are.
seriously am i the only one who has the balls to do this.
pounding pounding pounding bitch no pounding pounding pounding. feel like driving my skull through the wall...no no no no no no stop. k breathe excellent. to disa...no no ok think nothing replace picture it only urges it on. kali picture would be nice. yes kali. call on the great dark mother of death and rebirth. ouch head. neck. ok
wait white fucking noise thats what it is thats the voices right. the voices outside my head. yes. not sure if thats much comforting but atleast that makes sense yes. good. ok. white noice nothing more. yes you may have to deal with some shit no don't even think about that you're not in the state but still the perfect state to take something or someone down. i may seem weak and depressed but i'm quick to the mania and not the good hyper happy mania...anger, pure hatred mania. i'm like a demon. so back off.
schizo vent ?: zoning out
Current mood: subdued
Category: subdued Travel and Places
what is zoning out?
i sit there. all of a sudden realinzing i'm sitting there. for how long? i can't know. can i move? no. i try. i tell myself to. i can even see it in my head but i can't. its kind of like being locked in my brain. i can hear things see them but i'm not there. all those things seem to be coming from somewhere else. i am somewhere else trapped in my brain. it sounds awful, though its not really. as long as the brain is safe at the time which isn't always true. its more peaceful. for until i realize i am zoning out there are no thoughts, no movements of pain, no feeling, no nothing only blankness. but then i realize and my human side tries to break out but once i get past the motions of what is happening its back to being blank. and then all of a sudden its over like it never happened.
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