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the shadow and fade
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By:
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Graylable
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Mood:
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other
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Date:
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May 19, 2008, 12:53 AM
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Music:
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nin
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Sometimes we have to ask ourselves who we are, instead of what we have been. Am I the introvert or the extravert or am I both depending on who I am with and what they expect? Who am I? How many of us ask this question of ourselves and have the answer on the tip of our minds only to be swallowed by the reflection of our ego. Reflection. Another word for me. I reflected other peoples auras. I didn't take a damned thing. Why? I guess I'm just a special type of flake because I was born this way. I've been fighting it trying to gain some sense of self. Don't get me wrong. I'm always me. even when I'm not.I would be buried under other people sometimes. In doing so have I lost who I really am? I know I argue more with people who used to know me. I remember how good it felt to just let it roll over me as I walked through a room.It was kind of predatory. I haven' been able to do it for a while. i walled it away. In a way i was the biggest whore without fucking a single person. By not becomeing... Am I really undoing? Undoing what? I've been so bored, so understimulated. I can't think, I can't write, I am completely uninspired. I am underjoyed. I even have trouble singing all alone. I used to have so much strange shit happen to me. Most of it left me scared shitless,and angry because I can't share it with anyone else. Who would believe me? What if they did believe me?. The last time they did believe it scared me so bad. I don't know why. Maybe I do and I just don't want to admit it. I am So FUCKING SICK of not being able to talk. Not being able to express the things I've been ,and the things I've came through.How I fucking feel. Maybe in silence I become the word. I become. In becoming myself, I am more lost and alone than I have ever been. The irony is i made myself, and I could make myself something else. I need external stimuli. I need to loose the fucking walls I put up, or at least hammer out a fucking door. I know what did me in. It was the fucking thing on the stairs. Everything is mundane because I made myself this way, and bent things away so it would never happen again. When it happened it was like. It was like going to sleep. When I realized what was happening I didn't even care anymore. . I can still bend things... I will not give that up. I just wish i knew what I was doing.
Of the many faces I've aquired.
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