From the IMDB (written by the director Ron Sperling): "Five regular guys from Long Island, NY head out on a boys weekend to upstate New York for a weekend of bow hunting. Steve, a New York fireman (post 9/11), organizes the trip for a much needed R & R. It turns sour when their hosts turn out to be a cult group of cannibal hunters. After realizing our boys ARE the hunted, Steve survives the struggle of his life and returns home to Long Island safely to his pregnant wife with the help of his friend Frank. Frank calls on his black-ops Vietnam training, while struggling with his own issues, to get them out alive."

I think this is a definite contender for worst horror movie ever. It wasn't a bad idea (though more than a bit reminiscent of "The Most Dangerous Game" and "Deliverance" and all those other "city guys meet backwoods guys" movies) but the execution of just about every aspect of this film was extremely poor.

For a start, the music used throughout sounds like it came of a compilation album of "incidental music" for a different movie entirely. Every piece of incidental music is different and completely inappropriate for the scene in hand. It's like the sound editor just randomised the aforementioned "incidental music" CD and just used whatever came up from rock to electro pop.

The next big annoyance is the camerawork. Obviously the budget didn't stretch to more than one camera so scenes are pretty much full on ("look straight into the centre of the screen for the action") stagey set pieces all joined together. There were more than a couple of moments where some cuts to close-up from a different angle may have moved things on a little bit faster. But, as this appears to be the first film for Ron Sperling (no, not Rod Sterling), maybe this director (and whoever held the camera!) will learn from his mistakes.

And that's the end of my generosity. The acting sucked... and I mean really sucked... and I'm not just talking about the cannibal woman's blowjob scene early on which you don't even get to see! There is hardly any attempt at reacting to each other and so there is no chemistry between this supposed bunch of friends whatsoever. The question of their friendship really puzzled me because apart from their love of really lame jokes they don't seem to have a single thing in common.

The pacing of the whole thing is extremely slow. It takes about 25 minutes before they even head out in the woods and, once there, things just drag on and on. There are a few corn-syruppy kills and some amusing arrow through the body scenes which reminded me of those joke "nail through the finger" things that you could buy in novelty shops years ago. In the worst case, one guy gets shot through the leg and the arrow is so obviously just through his trousers. Look, I'm not asking for the actors to actually shoot each other with arrows or anything (ok, maybe I am) but didn't anyone check to see how this would look on camera before filming it?

The gore scenes are nicely done though but they are all over too fast. You don't even see the really annoying character (yes, there is one that stands out more than the rest) get gutted, only a still frame of the aftermath later on. That's how bad things are. The wounded characters really aren't convincing either. They all start bleeding from the mouth no matter where they get shot. Getting an arrow through you really hurts too, you know, and you don't just groan when they are pulled out (which you should never do... just in case it happens to you... unless you want to suffer a lot of internal bleeding and die!). A lot more screaming and swearing would have been more realistic. One scene of note was when the lead hunter guy is arrowed and starts to say, "I........I......." and I just had to say to the telly (between the pregnant pauses), "I... can't... act!".

There is no tension and there are no scares. There is only some brief sexy stuff at the very start and it's all just very, very crap too. And what's with all the references to 'Nam? There isn't even an actor old enough in it to have been in the Vietnam war FFS!!! Those flashback scenes are hardly "Platoon" quality either.

I think I can only give this 1 out of 10. It needs serious recutting as it all feels about ten times longer than it should be. The cannibal woman has a nice belly though.

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IMDB says: " Be careful what you wish for. Six college guys think they are going to a whore house and end up in a Horror house."

What a load of horse manure! There were some great looking women in this but it was annoyingly slow in getting going and there wasn't nearly enough nudie stuff for my liking.

Also forget any horror. The death scenes are brief and few. Blink and you'll miss them.

I can't think of any merits this film has apart from all the eye candy. The story is weak, the acting is weaker, and, for something set in a brothel, it isn't very sexy at all.

I'm going to give this movie my first ever rating of 10 out of 10 for being shit! In real rating terms that's a big fat zero.

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Supposedly this is based on true events and a real serial killer... but it's all a lie. Basically, this movie is trying to be the "Blair Witch Project" of serial killer films but it doesn't have even half the entertainment value.

The story, such as it is, is about a supposed serial killer, William Allen Grone. He's fake btw. Anyway, Grone and his friend Roy abduct a couple of girls (both of them quite skanky actually) so that they can create a "snuff masterpiece".

The quality of everything in this movie is below poor. The camerawork is all over the place, the acting is non-existent, and the gore is minimal (relying mostly on a few pints of fake blood and lots of screaming). You don't get to see anything! You don't get to hear much either as the sound is extremely bad too.

The tied-up girls did an ok job but I didn't care about either of them so all their scenes were pretty much a waste of time. Actually the whole thing was a waste of time. It wasn't scary, it wasn't all that horrific. It's so badly done that I am not sure that I should even count this as a movie at all.

The big selling point this had (back in 2003) was that, supposedly, the end is footage from a real snuff film. It isn't, of course, and is the poorest fake of a snuff film I have ever seen. I remember seeing better stuff on that infamous "Executions" video over 15 years ago... and that was crap too.

Anyway, I'll give it 1 out of 10. It was a nice idea but it failed in its execution. (I don't believe I just wrote that! lmao)

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From Amazon: "Thirteen years ago on Valentine's Day, two young lovers were brutally murdered at the local Lovers Lane. The killer, known as the Hook because of his weapon, was caught and arrested by the police and imprisoned in a nearby institution for the criminally insane. However, now it's Valentine's Day again - and the Hook has escaped."

In reality this is an "I Know What You Did Last Summer" ripoff complete with a hook-handed killer. It is therefore no surprise that this was retitled for the UK market as "I'm Still Waiting for You" complete with video sleeve artwork that looked almost identical. Don't confuse it with "I've Been Waiting for You" though as this is 1000 times more crap.

If it had some humourous moments you could almost see this as a comedy... but it's so bad it isn't funny. All the actors look like the other actors from similar teen slashers but aren't even half as good. It has Anna Faris in it though as a cheerleader who doesn't change her costume for the entire movie.

I might write a fuller review once I've watched this totally unscary, goreless (or should that be gormless?) pile of steaming excrement again... as for some reason I couldn't find all the nudie bits that must be in the movie somewhere... What? Not only are there no gory death scenes but there aren't any nudie bits either...? I don't think I'll bother then.

1 out of 10 because it has the pretty girl in it from "Scary Movie". Unoriginal, stupid, pointless ...and did I mention "ripoff"?

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As you know, I often give quite negative reviews of most of the films that I watch. I don't do this out of meanness or just for the hell of it but because, from seeing the mistakes that some make, it should be easier for others to avoid them in the first place.

Alas, that is never the case. Everyone thinks they know best when they are making their own movies and forget even the most important rules due to budget and time constraints.

So I thought today that I'd outline a few points which would make my horror film watching more enjoyable. Directors and actors please take note.

1) A horror film should be scary. It's no good just loading it up with blood, gore and screaming if you are playing something like "The Smurf Song" in the background or you have distanced your audience from any empathy with your characters. Think of how to evoke an atmosphere of dread by using suitable background music (or even not using any at all!) and by making your characters attractive to the viewer. Remember your target audience and what they are there for.

2) Characterisation is everything. If we don't get to know the characters then we don't care about what happens to them. Flashbacks and voiceovers don't work. The character should give his own exposition throughout even if you are short of time. Also characters should be consistent or consistently inconsistent. Don't suddenly turn a weakling into a hero or a hero into a weakling and try to avoid comedy unless you know your stuff and have someone with natural ability to perform for you.

3) Unity of time and place is also very important. This is straight out of Aristotle's literary criticism. Try to keep the action in one place (unless you are making a James Bond movie) and in a reasonable time period. You only have 90 minutes to fill so try not to get over ambitious and put a year's worth of action into 10 minutes. You are not supposed to be making "Dances With Wolves". Most good horror movies are over within a 24 hour period or less. Let's try to keep it that way. Also watch out for continuity errors. Even changes in light can make editing later an absolute nightmare.

4) A story should have a beginning, a middle and an end. It doesn't matter if you put the beginning in the middle or the middle at the start as long as the plot has those three elements. Don't confuse the audience with numerous flashbacks and an ending that makes no sense to the original story. The use of an epilogue is best avoided unless your name is Quinn Martin.

5) Avoid CGI unless you have an enormous budget. Even the most expensive computer effects always look fake and are easily spotted and sneered at. If you don't have a big budget avoid the gore in favour of other more creative deaths if that is what you are after. Watch Twilight Zone episodes to see how it is possible to be really scary at times without resorting to buckets of corn syrup or a bag of pigs' intentines from the local butcher. If you are making a monster movie, keep him hidden most of the time so that you can get some shock value with the final reveal.

6) Make some suspense. Use some appropriate music and focus on the predicament of one character. Don't go overboard or the audience will feel fatigued and bored. There is a natural timing involved in such things and you will only see it once you view the film yourself after shooting.

7) Don't have too many characters on screen at the same time all jabbering over each other either. More than three speaking roles and the viewer is lost. Using an eavesdropping character who is out of sight of the others is also a good use of a silent character to create some intrigue.

8) If you are a director then give your actors some appropriate direction. Remember that this is your film not theirs and your vision is the one which will be pulled apart by critics when you get it wrong. Don't suffer primadonnas from acting school telling you how they should be in the role. Check with your scriptwriter often to make sure this is what he or she intended the character to be like too. Use storyboards if your cameraman doesn't have a clue either and never let him use his own judgment.

9) If you are an actor, do not give your director a hard time. He has the producers breathing down his neck and just wants to get on with the job. He doesn't care if you just learnt how to speak with a glass of water in your mouth in acting class and doesn't want it demonstrated in every scene. Do what he tells you to do otherwise you'll end up on the cutting room floor or be replaced with a sock puppet.

10) Finally, for this time. After you have made the film, don't rush to sell it straight away. Watch it again, edit a lot and reshoot if possible. You are very unlikely to get it right first time and no movie is perfect but being realistic about what you are seeing yourself is. If you can no longer trust your own judgement get an outsider in to critique it before you make the changes.

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From the IMDB: "Young people break into a former asylum to stage a rave party, but soon strange and horrible things start to happen."

And from Britfilms: "Craig is a college student with a business plan. He and six friends have broken into a derelict asylum to stage the party of the year - and get rich in the process. With DJ Lux on the decks, Lee's spectacular light show and sexy Victoria pouring the drinks, how can they fail? But as the team set up, things start to go horribly wrong. Sarah becomes convinced that they are not alone, and as the panic rises the asylum begins to take on a life of its own. Walls disappear, they reappear and the group are forced further and further into the mysterious depths of the building….. where something ancient and sinister is waiting for them. The quest for fun is about to become a race to stay alive."

Even though this starts off with a group of four little kids who sound Australian, this is in fact an English horror film from 2001 which is currently showing on Zone Horror. It's not available on DVD (except in Australia) for some reason so this is the only place you will see it.

It is absolutely full of soap actors including Dawn (Kara Tointon), Gus (Mohammed George) and Tony (Mark Horner) from "Eastenders" and three more whose names I don't know (but whose faces I recognised from "The Bill" and "Holby City").

It is all filmed extremely well and looks a lot like that other Eastenders filled horror "Long Time Dead"... but it's much better than that and doesn't have the horrid Joe Absolom in it.

Anyway, as the IMDB says, this is about a group of teenagers who break into what used to be an asylum to use the building for an illegal rave. A lot of the film is spent building up the characters, showing them setting things up, pranking each other and exploring the building but there are a few genuinely spooky events along the way. Things build up bit by bit and there is a twist in the last scene.

I really liked this a lot. The acting is much the same as an "Eastenders" episode and so is very good and realistic. The incidental music used for the scary bits is typical tv movie stuff but works well too.

If this was available on DVD, it would go straight into the video vault. Unfortunately, it isn't released here so I'll just rate it as a 6 out of 10. If you have Zone Horror on your tellybox, you should definitely watch this.

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From the IMDB: "Cinder has troubles. She has a wicked step-stripper for a mom. Her prince charming is a complete psycho. Her fairy godmother is actually a voodoo god. And worst of all she's been murdered. But Cinder doesn't intend to let a little thing like being dead stop her. She has places to go and people to kill. And she only has until midnight."

This is another one on Zone Horror which was only made earlier this year and doesn't seem to have a DVD release in the UK. This fact surprised me even more when I heard the word "bollocks" a couple of times in the dialogue. You don't often get that in an American film so it looks like our little ways are catching on.

"Cadaverella" is total sexploitation and is part of the "Grindhouse 2000" season. Don't expect it to be the greatest film you've ever seen (because it isn't) but as a very vulgar comedy-horror version of the Cinderella story it quite amused me. The narration was perhaps the funniest part but Megan Goddard is quite impressive as the lead and has a cracking little body.

Big Atom Productions claim that this will be released on DVD on May 8th this year (probably only in the US) but you can watch it on Zone Horror for free so why bother waiting?

I'll give it 4 out of 10 for being as sick and bloody as the real Grimm fairytale of Ashenputtel. I can't really give it any more as it is only just over an hour long and some of the editing could have been better. I don't think any of the people involved have been in anything else so, as a low-budget debut, it wasn't too bad at all really.

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From Amazon: "In the dark silence of the sea during World War II, the submarine U.S.S. Tiger Shark prowls on what should be a routine rescue mission. But for the shell-shocked crew, trapped together in the sub's narrow corridors and constricted spaces, this is about to become a journey into the sensory delusions, mental deceptions and runaway fear that lurk just below the surface of the ocean and deep inside the human psyche."

Ignore that hyperbole, "Below" is just a predictable ghost story set on a WW2 submarine. I enjoyed it in places because it reminded me of the true ghost story (that scared me when I first read it in the 1974 Lion annual) about the German u-boat ub-65. You can read the story here.

But, it wasn't really as scary as that story and relied a bit too heavily on CGI for my liking. Even the submarine itself was just CGI. It was well done but you can always tell. Experts have noted that the submarine itself is too big for the time period. I have no idea about such things myself and don't think it matters all that much.

A submarine full of men doesn't really do a lot for me anyway. I didn't really fancy Olivia Williams as "Claire" the doctor (though in real life I think I might) and I hate the sight of Dexter Fletcher in anything. At least he did his own accent this time and didn't try to do a fake American one again like so many of the rest of the cast. They are all established actors in film so, for once, I don't have to worry about mentioning their acting ability. Oh, go on then, I will... They were about as average as could be expected with the subject matter but were no worse than a typical episode of "Eastenders". The whole thing reeks of expensive "made for tv movie" though.

The story was quite entertaining, the camerawork and sound were really good, but I started to get bored with it towards the end. The film just didn't sustain tension or excitement long enough to be described as "tense" or "exciting" although there were one or two good moments. It wasn't particularly gory either apart from some gruesome aftermath scenes.

I'll give it 4 out of 10 for being a little bit different to the usual ghostie films I watch but it just wasn't scary enough to make it into the Video Vault.

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From Amazon: "When four college students begin investigating a cult, the group's deadly past begins to repeat itself. Despite the warnings of their professor, the students continue to dig deeper, and that's when the murders begin."

This has only just been released on DVD and probably wasn't so much released as escaped. For a film that had almost a million dollars for a budget, it is hard to tell where any of it went.

Containing a lot of bit part actors who you've never heard of (apart from Rachel Miner who has been in quite a lot of things over the years), the acting is really quite poor even for what looks like a "made for tv" movie. The plot itself loses its way several times too and, after a while, it all starts to get a bit confusing as a lot of things are never properly explained.

It started well with the tale of how some Chinese woman called Kwon Yin (who was pregnant out of wedlock) had her belly sliced open and her eyes stabbed out to kill her soul but placed a curse on an amulet with her dying breath.

The opening scene of a cult full of pretty women (who were obviously hired from the local modelling agency) stabbing their right eyes out with combat knives was quite promising too until the crap CGI effects started kicking in.

From there on things got worse and worse. The camerawork was all over the place. I don't think any of the cameramen had even heard of a tripod as everything is wobbly and shot at funny angles. For some reason I imagine that one of the cameramen had one leg shorter than the other and this was the result. I think they tried for some of those "C.S.I.-style" shots where you just move the camera and keep on shooting but it doesn't work if the camera is all shaky.

It then got more and more talky with lots of clichés and very little action. There were a couple of scenes which were supposed to make you jump but they are telegraphed so far in advance that they fall flat. All the scenes are too dark as well so even if there was anything scary there you can't see it.

It was just another typical, and below average, tale of students getting murdered one by one because one of them has a secret. Not exactly original is it? One line in it amused me though as this really was just a load of "Scooby Doo bullshit"!

It wasn't scary, wasn't particularly gory and certainly wasn't in any way memorable. I'll give it 2 out of 10 for the eyeball scene and for Rachel Miner's eyebrows.

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From Amazon: "After resolving a situation of exorcism, the half-breed demon hunter Jake Greyman (Sean Patrick Flanery) reports to Cardinal White (William Bassett) and they realize that the demon Asmodeus (Billy Drago) is impregnating many mortals trying to raise offspring. Cardinal White calls Sister Sarah Ryan (Colleen Porch) to assist Jake in his hunting for Asmodeus and his women. Meanwhile, Asmodeus sends the delicious and sexy Succubus (Tania Deighton) to seduce Jake. A battle between good and evil is on course."

Doesn't it sound just like "Constantine"?I might write a fuller review of this tomorrow if I can be bothered... but anyway, no, I didn't like it! If I'd wanted to watch a low-budget ripoff of "Blade", I'd have watched the TV series version instead. Actually, this is probably more like a no-budget version of "Angel" with more elements of "Constantine" than "Blade" but, since I absolutely hate that crappy TV series and I hated this film, I think the comparison is a fair one.For God's sake, the succubus woman, Tania Deighton, has fake horns sticking out of her head!!! Duh! Is that so we know she is a demon perhaps? Why didn't they just paint her green and call her Lorne as well?

Oh this was bad. I knew it would be when I saw the trailer but nothing could have prepared me for the reality. Isn't Sean Patrick Flanery supposed to be a real actor nowadays not a B movie actor? He wasn't very good in this anyway so perhaps he's found a new niche. I really hope that this doesn't become a TV series.

I am absolutely incredulous to the point of speechlessness at how ineptedly handled this whole film was. From the very beginning where our hero beats the crap out of a demon possessed girl who was undergoing an exorcism, the words "Constantine" and "Ripoff" screamed at me from parts of my mind which had chosen to forget all about how bad "Constantine" was too for the time being. Then when we are told that he is a "half breed" demon, Wesley Snipes jumped up and down in that other special happy place in my brain that savours the action movies shrieking "Blade ripoff" too.

That's all that really needs to be said about this pile of cack. It's overlong, there isn't much action, there's only one really sexy scene and that involves some old grandad in a leather coat, and it just sucks. I didn't even fancy the nun! Well, only a little bit...

I'll give it 2 out of 10 for Tania Deighton's horns.

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The IMDB says: "A young woman's world is turned upside down after a tragic accident steals away her boyfriend. The walls of reality continue to crumble as the troubled woman and a fellow victim try to track down their loved ones at a mysterious hospital which should not exist."

If you haven't seen this yet, don't bother. All you will see is Christine Taylor (who looked quite pretty in "Zoolander" but isn't quite so hot here) running around, seeing demons and screaming for about an hour. Actually that makes the film sound good... No, this isn't a good movie. The Amy character (Christine Taylor) is one of the most annoying females in a film ever. It's not as if she's screaming non-stop... I could have enjoyed that!

The story is a mess. Apart from the demon hallucinations and one scary ten second hospital scene, I couldn't be bothered to even try to dicipher any of it. Something to do with ghosts and guilt as far as I could tell...

Of course with a budget of $1,000,000 everyone in the movie looks quite good. The hospital seems to be staffed by Playboy models (who at one point turn into blood-drinking lesbian vampires for no apparent reason) and Christine Taylor never seems to have a hair out of place in spite of shaking it all over the place every time she screams.

The scene between Amy and her father in "Room 6" is like something out of "Mork and Mindy" with a blacked out studio and everything. All I could think of was "Mork calling Orsen.. come in Orsen..." Oh, we find out here that Amy helped her father to die when she was a little girl by pulling the plug on his life support machine... oh well that helps... not!

The ending is predictable. If you've seen "Dead End" you'll spot it coming a mile away. Remember she's trying to save her boyfriend...?

I'm giving this film 1 out of 10 for the brief lesbian vampire scene. That's all it deserves.

AVOID!

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