I often wonder if you really see me...or is it you see what you only want to...You think you know me, but you shall never truely know me for I hide my self away locked behind a wall you can not see. It's kind of stupid I know but the wall I put up is not always there to keep people out but to see if perhaps if there is anyone out there willing to take the time to find away inside...Perhaps it's all just a waste of time.

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Kind of bored...Thought this was kind of interesting:

Jane Toppan (31+) Born in Boston as Nora Kelly to typical future serial killer misery in 1854. When she was still an infant her mother died and her tailor father was institutionalized for trying to stitch his eyelids shut. After a brief stint in an orphanage, Nora was adopted by the Toppan family and changed her name to Jane. From then on she led a very normal life until, as a young woman, she was jilted by her fiancee, had a nervous breakdown and unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide.

Although she excelled as a student in Nursing School, she raised some eyebrows with her morbid curiosity for autopsies. Eventually she was unceremoniously dismissed after two patients died mysteriously under her care.Not the passive type, Jane forged her nursing degree and went out looking for a job as a private nurse.

Jane was a considered a kind and sensitive nurse who regularly took care of the sick and elderly for Boston's best families. However, most of her patients and their families died mysteriously after ingesting some of her "special" potions. Over two decades, Jane blazed through the homes of New England society with her trusty morphine cocktails to the tune of a least 31 deaths.

America's premiere female "Angel of Death," Jane's deadly trail unravelled in the summer of 1901 when all four members of the Davis family dropped dead. Suspicious of the kindly nurse who had treated them, the husband of the fourth victim ordered the Massachusetts State Police to perform an autopsy on his wife. Authorities confirmed that a lethal dose of morphine and atropine killed his wife. Jane fled Boston and was finally arrested in Amherst on October 29, 1901.

In custody Jane confessed to 31 kills. It is believed her true bodycount is somewhere between 70 to 100 deaths. In her 1902 trial, doctors said Jane was "born with a weak mental condition." In true serial killer madness, Jane declared in court, "That is my ambition. To have killed more people -- more helpless people -- than any man or woman who has ever lived." Having fulfilled her wish, she was found insane and sent to the state asylum in Tauton, Massachusetts where she died in August, 1938, at the ripe age of 84.

Although she was remembered by the hospital staff as a "quiet old lady," she still had murderous fantasies permeating her brain. Orderlies remember how she would say, "Get some morphine, dearie, and we'll go out in the ward. You and I will have a lot of fun seeing them die."

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Well I went to the Dr's today....few weeks back I had some test done and the results came back not so great so I had to go in for some more test...will be about 2 weeks before I find anything out...I am hoping since these tests are more in depth we will see that nothing is wrong...at least that is what I am hoping for...if not they will call me and I will have to go in and they might have to open me up...My Mom said if that has to happen she will come down, but I am trying to think on the positive side that it won't be the case...so guess time will tell. Right now I am trying not to think about it...

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It truly amazes me how people can cast other people out of ones life and act as if that person does not exist any more. You build up a relationship, it doesn’t matter what kind of relationship and in a blink of an eye the other person can cast you aside and treat you as if you never existed as if you never meant anything to them and your left wondering how they could shut off their feelings so easily and forget and yet your left standing there feeling every wound so deeply. You keep wanting to shut down and yet you don’t know how…How were they able to walk away and not give you a second glance and yet you can not do the same thing in return. Isn’t that a little fucked up? Maybe the person left with the feelings is the one who is fucked up. Maybe the whole thing is just fucked up. Can some one please tell me how you shut your feelings off for I would really like to know? I would really like to be able to just act like I don’t care and that I am not hurting and that I am okay….so if anyone could please tell me that would be great!

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Funny how a song can remind you of a person, a time, or a place....Last night I was going through a file on my cell phone and came across a song and a message someone sent me and it was Michael Buble's song "Lost" I cried. It's been a while since I cried...but I cried. Guess I am lost in many ways. I have lost alot and I keep on losing though I keep trying not to. I have a hard time reading people. Guess I am just not a people person cause I seem to strike out...I walk away when I shouldn't, I stay when I should go...I find it all confusing.....I doubt he will read this...but if he does...I miss you...

"Lost"

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were cryin'

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
Then the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
And God I hope it's not too late
Mm, it's not too late

'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Though things have seemed to change
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost

Michael Buble...

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Weeping Willow why so sad?
No need to cry
No need to be sad....

Did they not stay?
Like they said they would...
Did they leave with out saying good-bye?
Did they not even speak a word....

Do you feel forgotten?
Lost & Misunderstood....
I do believe at times, we all do...

So dry your eyes and try to smile...
For I shall not go away...
They buried me underneath your lovely branches,
Just a little while ago today....

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