It's not the first time she's been having dreams that don't make sense. It's not the first time she has dreams she can't remember.

Whenever an image or vision, whatever it is supposed to be called comes to her, she always feel either confusion or anger first, never fear. When the image of her sister being hurt, catching her breath, falling to the ground, she felt anger because she felt threatened. They were threatening her with her sister's life. She was angry, couldn't breathe, couldn't stop shaking, couldn't think straight. Just kept thinking angry thoughts; they were hurting her. "Leave her if it is me you want!", she cried in the vision. "Leave her and take me!"

This other dream she had had, she was still with her boyfriend. They were happy, as usual, to be together. The clouds were getting thicker, darker. Thunder clasped. Lightning across the sky. It always excited her in reality as well as in the dream. Rain falling hard. She heard her sister calling for her. She ran toward her. She was safe, shelter, dry. But what's this? Her old friend. She used to love him as her brother, she used to look up to him. Not anymore. He was with his girlfriend. They used to be friends too. They used to always laugh for the stupidest reasons, even no reasons at all. Just to laugh. Laughing was always good. But not anymore. She didn't want to be with them. Where's her boyfriend? He's gone. "He left me. He left me all alone. Why? Why would he do that?" She was alone, with two people she wanted nothing to do with. She was alone with these people she used to love, but now can no longer bare the sight of them. Her former brother in particular.

Another dream. She was with her boyfriend. In reality, he is now her ex. He had a lady friend. She was still with them both. They were at a toy store. An old friend from elementary came to say hello. Something caught her gaze. She looked in the direction her friend was looking. There she saw her exboyfriend kissing his lady friend. Funny, that's how we used to kiss. Shock, hurt, she didn't care any longer. She left. Then she woke up.

Strange how those last two dreams seem interrelated somehow. She feels as though these dreams came to her for a reason. They are telling her something. They have told her something. They already told her. It already happened.....

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The very first time you felt a presence, it kept touching your hand, playing with your fingers. You grew afraid. To comfort you, I kissed your neck and watched you sleep.

You started to continuously take notice of the presence. That is what you called me, my sweet precious. I pet your head, I play with your neck. I continue to play with your hand and fingers. I play with your feet and toes.

Such a suspicious mind you have! Yet you did not want to show fear.

"Who are you?", you asked me. "Are you here to make me afraid or here to protect me?"

Shh, my pet. Rest now. You have a long day ahead of you.

"No, don't put me to sleep. I will not fall asleep. Please give me a sign. Are you evil, are you trying to hurt me? Or are you trying to protect me? Who are you? What are you? No, I won't fall asleep!"

Shh my precious. Rest now. I'll still be here.

You told him about me. He thought I was a sort of demon. I could not convince you. Once he tells you something, his word suddenly becomes law. You told me to leave. You cursed me. You hurt me. You thought I left, but all I did was keep my presence hidden. I did not want to frighten you. I never left your side. Only when you left him, I decided to make a bold move. I came back. I touch you in the familiar places.

Oh, my sweet. So confused you were. And so lonely. Still so lonely. Let me hold your hand. Let me comfort you. Yes my precious, I am here. I never left you. I am holding your hand. You feel me.

"What is going on? I am so confused. The first encounter I had hurt me. It felt as if it had a knife and stabbed me in the stomache, moving the blade in a clockwise motion. Then it moved up my torso. Pressure on my chest, my heart, it hurts! It hurts, stop! Leave me, leave me!

"But you, you don't make me feel pain. You seem to be comforting me, trying to give me peace. Are you? Who are you? What are you? Are you trying to answer my questions, and I just keep rambling?"

Ramble all you want pet. You have the gift. You just need to keep focus on them. Do not ignore them.

My precious, there is something you should know. I was never able to show you before because you never allowed yourself to do so. But now you are free of him. But this new one, you must know. You must know what's to come.

"I saw it all coming. That's what hurts. I saw him leave me. And the one I am trying to avoid is here in front of me.

"He's gone now. What friendship we had before is no more.

"I saw him with her. I felt it while sitting in the same fucking room! And I let it happen! It all happened! My fears, my worries all came true! It all came true..."

Hush my sweet precious, please don't cry. It had to happen. It all had to happen. You said you wanted to experience it. This is what it feels like, my love. I don't mean to sound like Metallica, but, "Sad But True". I gave you all you wanted to experience. Happiness, sadness. And they came at a terrible price. I am truly sorry. But fear not my precious. I am still here.

Lie back my love. Try to sleep. Forget your former friend, forget your Penguin. He's not your Penguin anymore. You are not his Happy Bunny anymore. It's over now. No More Tears.

That's Ozzy Osbourne, right? It just rolled out of my mouth.

Come now precious. Sleep now. Let me hold you. I'll hold you tight and never let you go. I know you'll be suspicious in the morning. Let me hold you. Sleep now. That's my girl.

I'm always watching and I'm always here....



Who are you?

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She's always wanted a love of her own. Always fantasized about it.
The feel of another's lips against hers. The press of another's body against hers.
She sees other couples holding hands, arms wrapped around the waist while walking down the street. She sees pictures of deep kisses between lovers. She's read the details of such experiences in romance novels.
Can't help but wonder how that might feel like personally.
Does anyone see her? Does she catch your interest? Is it her body you desire? Or do you desire her love?
She knows nothing of lust, but then, what is love? She just knows that love is the deepest, strongest, purest emotion you could feel.
Making love to that one person you love, that person you cannot imagine your life without, is much more enjoyable and sensational.
Sounds nice. No?
She craves for love. Her heart craves for another to give his heart to her as well.
Her body craves for attention as well. The delicate touches, the taste of the lover's tongue in her mouth, the small sounds from her throat. His hands running down her body, exploring her.
The feeling, the fantasy seems so real. So many things missing, so much missing. But one thing would do. Not enough, but just enough so to satisfy.
Slowly slipping her digits to the hot core, she gently begins to satisfy herself. But when it's done, she feels shame, disgust. It was enough, it did what it was supposed to. But when will she have a second party?
Where is her love? Where is her lover? Will she ever experience such a thing? How will she know that it finally happened?
She lies in bed night after night, dreaming of her man. She imagines his arms and hands, she imagines his neck, his hair, his lips, his body close to hers. She awaits for the day to have a love to call her own.

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Chapter 12

"I knew that no matter how bad you feel, or what horrible thing happens to you, that the world just keeps on going. That the rest of the world doesn't even realize that the monsters are eating your heart. A long time ago it use to bother me that I could be in such confusion, such pain, and the world just didn't give a shit. The world, the creation as a whole, is designed to move forward, to keep on keeping on without any one individual person. It feels damned impersonal, and it is. But, then, if the world stopped rotating just because one of us was having a bad day, we'd all be floating out in space."

-Anita Blake

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Incubus Dreams by Laurell K. Hamilton Chapter 45 pages 420 - 421

A poem by Richard Lovelace

"I could not love thee, dear, so much, Loved I not honor more

Tell me not, sweet, I am unkind That from the nunnery, Of they chaste breast and quiet mind

To war and arms I fly

True, a new mistress now I chase

The first foe in the field

And with a stronger faith embrace

A sword, a horse, a shield

Yet this inconstancy is such, As thou too shalt adore

I could not love thee, dear, so much, Loved I not honor more

To Lucasta, on going to the Wars"



"There comes a point where you just love someone. Not because they're good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn't mean you'll be together forever. It doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it."

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There's many ways to feel rage. There's many ways to submit to it. There's many ways to release it. Some write it out. Some turn it into song. Some turn it into an art form. Some turn it into violence.

Have always wrote out my anger and frustrations. Have always done something to get my mind off of what makes me angry. Always think and feel of something positive. Read something to distract myself.

Would love to find a different way of doing it though. Wanted to run away when I was that angry. That emotional. That hysterical. Just get out. Get out, breathe. Feel cold air hit my face, my hair. Get out. Run. Hide. Just don't look back.

Had my shoes on. Was dressed. Was stopped. Was held back. Nothing to do about it. Pace back and forth. Blood rushing in veins. Hands in closed, but not so tight fists.

Such anger. Such hatred.Wanted to get back at him. Such pain he would cause. Belittles everyone in sight. Does everything for him. Won't give back. Curses, raises his voice. Cries from little souls.

There it is. His pride and joy. Makes him happy. Always petting it. Always taking it out. Always taking care of it. There it is. Always getting beaten. Every little bark, every soft growl. Then a yelp after a blow. My little precious.

He would always hurt it. Would always hit at it. Yelling at it. Threatening. Not the first time. Same with me. It's that thing's turn now. Make a noise. I beg you. Please. Just a little noise. Move. Do something.

Oh thank you. Yes, more. Keep making noise.

"Shut up," it says. Laughs. That's even better.

Pound. Punch. Hit. More. Give me more. Want a bruise on my hand.The pain feels so good. Harder punch. Harder hit.

Stop. Little eyes. Little hearts.

Can't leave. Was told not to. Lock the door. Sit in the dark. Don't look at anything. Don't look at your reflection. Darkness. Better. More noise. More yells. More belittling. More curses. More threats. Water falling, spraying my hands occasionally. Water louder. Water better.

Not enough. Want to hurt. Need pain. Need something to focus on. Hand starts to tingle. Silently hoping for a bruise. Want to hit something, someone. Never understood why most people would want to do something like that. Not healthy. Not right. Not good. Not supposed to. Can't feel my face. Shaking all over. Need something other than this. Want to hit. Want pain. Can't hit what you can't see.

Shh. Calm down. Think of something. Just pick something. Can't feel hands. Move fingers. Without realizing, start moving fingers as if it's on a piano.Moonlight Sonata. Can't hear the music. Just the water. Moving fingers. Calmer now.

Hot. It's hot. Hot tears. Still can't see. Don't want to see. Darkness. Darkness is better. Just sit. Water still running. Tears still running. Wish I could run.

Hold myself. Wrap arms around myself. No one else can. Want someone to do so. No I don't. Yes I do. No! I don't! Yes you do.

Felt it before. Never went that far. Never thought it would ever go that far. Have always had it, perhaps. Never went that far. Never thought it would ever go that far.

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