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"People blame their environment. There is only one person to blame -- and only one -- themselves." ~Robert Collier

I spent a very long time believing my happiness is contingent upon moving out of the house I live in right now. I realized recently that believing that is a continuation of an old habit. The "I'll be happy when..." attitude. Often times I didn't believe happiness was even possible for me. And at those times, it wasn't possible. Not while I was stuck in that "if only" paradigm.

When I went on Hiatus, I had been uncovering my Shadow side, when all of a sudden it hit a crescendo which made me feel despondent, very depressed, and quite overwhelmed. It is very difficult to see every mistake I made a habit out of, every thought and behavior which does not serve me come to light. Not only is it challenging to face yourself head on, but to realize you are the one who put yourself there.

Then one day I woke up, looked around, and made a choice. I make the choice every day I wake up. I choose to see I am exactly where I want to be. I choose to focus on the thoughts and behaviors which do serve my Higher Purpose. I choose to change the victim mentality into the mentality of a Warrior. I am a Warrior. A Warrior in training.

The Universe only gives us that which we focus on in earnest. If I say to myself: I am broke, I need money for bills, it is impossible for me to become employed, it is impossible to ever get better physically and mentally... I am reaffirming my belief system so I get exactly what I say to myself. I keep getting the same. In that paradigm I would stay broke, I would keep needing, a job would be an impossibility, and I would never heal. All because I was sending those messages out into the Universe. The Universe always responds with a resounding "YES!".

Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

Remember folks, "We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are."

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what a fucking joke this has been. no relief or end is in sight. does this continue when we're done here? are we ever done? stop the ride, i want off.

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how much longer do i have to do this?
how much longer do i have to be here?
how much longer do i have to be caged like this?
how much longer can i hold on?

i fear everyone when it's me
i should really fear.
i won't let me go until i go.
then it's too late.
too late for i'm sorrys
too late for what ifs
just too
fucking
late.

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I can't be anyone but myself. So I'm a freak. So I'm a deviant. What's new. Most people don't take the time to get to know me once they catch a whiff of my weirdness. I make others uncomfortable. And I'm quite uncomfortable around them too. I'm unpredictable, unstable, whimsical, and anti-social. People tend to cling on to their taboos, of which I tend to break and delight in doing so. I am a bitch but I'm generally sly about it. Generally. I have my moments. The only way I can tell I'm going overboard on the craziness is when people ask me, "Should I be worried?" or this is the best one right here: "Your weapons are locked up right?". Yes actually they are mother fuckers cuz my own husband doesn't trust me enough with the gun safe combo. Do I really come off as dangerous? Apparently I do... and I don't even have the rage fits I used to get many years ago. I scared our former roommate who is over 6 feet tall (I'm 4'11") and kinda scary himself in a fit of pure rage. I used to self injure because I figured if I took it out on myself that I wouldn't hurt anyone else. I'm the psychotic wife that everyone prays to the gods they don't marry. Bloody hell... *sigh*. I don't even know what the point of this blog is. Maybe someone here can relate.

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"Every action starts from an intention in the implicate order. The imagination is already the creation of the form; it already has the intention and the germs of all the movements needed to carry it out, and it affects the body, and so on, so that as creation takes place in that way from the subtle levels of the implicate order, it goes through them until it MANIFESTS in the explicate. In other words, in the implicate order, as in the brain itself, IMAGINATION AND REALITY are ultimately indistinguishable, and it should, therefore, come as no surprise to us that images in the mind can ultimately manifest as realities in the physical body."

~From "Wholeness and the Implicate Order" By David Bohm

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so i may not be on here as much as i usually am. i may be goin thru a separation of marriage and may be moving out... my father-in-law is very ill so i'm taking care of him... and i'm looking for a job. so i'm hella stressed out and also not on psych meds! LOL so anyway... i will come on here to say hi to you guys when i can. ~Chrissie

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I am trapped, losing myself and dying inside...

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All hail Reverend Maynord!!!



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The effect is astounding: a patient starts seeing only bright colors in the surrounding world

Russian scientists from the city of Novosibirsk, Siberia, made a sensational report at the international conference devoted to new methods of treatment and rehabilitation in narcology. The report was called “Methods of painful impact to treat addictive behavior.”


Siberian scientists believe that addiction to alcohol and narcotics, as well as depression, suicidal thoughts and psychosomatic diseases occur when an individual loses his or her interest in life. The absence of the will to live is caused with decreasing production of endorphins - the substance, which is known as the hormone of happiness. If a depressed individual receives a physical punishment, whipping that is, it will stir up endorphin receptors, activate the “production of happiness” and eventually remove depressive feelings.

Russian scientists recommend the following course of the whipping therapy: 30 sessions of 60 whips on the buttocks in every procedure. A group of drug addicts volunteered to test the new method of treatment: the results can be described as good and excellent.

Doctor of Biological Sciences, Sergei Speransky, is a very well known figure in Novosibirsk. The doctor became one of the authors of the shocking whipping therapy. The professor used the self-flagellation method to cure his own depression; he also recovered from two heart attacks with the help of physical tortures too.

”The whipping therapy becomes much more efficient when a patients receives the punishment from a person of the opposite sex. The effect is astounding: the patient starts seeing only bright colors in the surrounding world, the heartache disappears, although it will take a certain time for the buttocks to heal, of course,” Sergei Speransky told the Izvestia newspaper.

The whipping therapy has not become a new discovery in the history of medicine. Tibetan monks widely used it for medical purposes too. Soviet specialists used a special method of torturing therapy at mental hospitals. They made injections of brimstone and peach oil mixture to inspire mentally unbalanced patience with a will to live. A patient would suffer from horrible pain in the body after such an injection, but he or she would change their attitude to life for the better afterwards.

”People might probably think of me as a masochist,” Dr. Speransky said. “But I can assure you that I am not a classic masochist at all,” he added.

The revolutionary method may take the Russian healthcare to a whole new level. The method is cheap and highly efficient, as its authors assure. Why not using something more efficient, a rack, for example?

Source: http://english.pravda.ru/science/health/7950-whipping-0

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I'm starting to question my decision to stop taking my psych meds. I'm crashing really hard. I practice energy healing and I haven't done so in a couple of weeks. I've lost interest in anything positive really. I can feel that someone is sending me healing but it isn't helping. Or maybe it is and I'd be worse without it. I don't know. Am I subconsciously blocking the healing? I don't know that either. I do know that I'm fed up. I'm stressing really hard, my life is fucked up (but whose isn't, right?), and I can't stand meds. I seriously can not stand to be on them. But I also can't stand me without them. What the fuck am I to do? I feel like I'm drowning in mud. Only thing that keeps me here is my son...

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