It's nearly 5:30 a.m. I been up all night. My buzz is gone and I gotta get my ass in gear for a long drive. I really should not have pulled this shit. I'm a fucking timebomb when I don't get any sleep. I'm going to be stuck with my husband, dad, mouthy teenage lil brother and my ray of sunshine who loves to butt heads with her mother. I believe I should be sedated for the remainder of the vacation. LOL! Why did I say I'd go. Damn!!! Dad knew I'd jump on the bandwagon the second he said he was paying. My husbands gonna be all over me like flies on shit. What's wrong with that you say. HAHAHAHA! I don't mind the booty call arrangement I can send him packing when I'm done. I been this guys posession for over 12 years. I'm getting used to being my own lately. Okay I been struggling with what to do with myself since I left but motherfuck!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend says to try out some other fish and get some uhh experience.
For me thats a lot easier said than done. I don't have any game. I was never on the field. I been married and faithful my entire adult life. Well confidence is fleeting when you lose self respect. That's my perspective on that. In the real world I come off as a little hostile and standoffish to strangers. It's a powertrip thing to be feared. Stems from childhood and I won't get into it. To friends I am sweet playful and flirty, so long as they stay on my good side. Usually I am a sweet and caring woman. Well hell true love doesn't exhist for me. I'm coming to terms with the darkness again. "Hello my friend" I embrace you. No I'm not insane. I'm tired. The denial is gone and now this is what I have. Man I really like that song graveflower. I wanna listen to it. And get some sleep. Gawd I fucked up! I better quit writing now my mind is broken. I have this sleepy haze that blankets my brain. I should have never been writing to begin with. What the hell am I posting. Oh ya crazy woman ranting. AHAHAHAHAHABOOOGABOOGAJIGGLYSUCKMYASSYOUMOTHAHAIRYBALLEDFUCKNUT!!!!!
I am so fuckin bored and I think I'm lonely too. It would be nice to have a friend around here my age that liked to do the same shit I wanna do. I think that would be fuckin great. But as it stands my only friend is raising two grown people and their baby and to top it off those grown ass people who don't have jobs and are living off of her, have another bun in the oven. Christ... those two should be sterilized. She don't have any money or time to herself. Well now I have lots of time to myself. I need to find a friend here. Maybe theres someone my own age in the apartment building. I'll ask my landlady. I tried to watch tv several times but I am not interested in anything on it. I went to the fair but it just made me miss my daughter. Plus there really wasn't anything to do cept ride the rides. Woopdedoo...Buy overpriced shit and junkfood. Last thing I wanna go and do given my situation. Lots of people there but noone I associated with before. Well guess the only thing left to do is sleep.
