schizo. vent XI: ARGH!!!!! (and i’m not a fricking pirate!)
Current mood: mental
Category: mental Travel and Places


this whole bipolar thing is a fucking bitch. bitch bitch bitch. i get it under control it, it gets me back, i get it under control, it gets me back. ARGH! thoughts thoughts spinning around in my head faster than i can fully think them. words can't even come out of my mouth in coherent content cause it all just spews out so quickly, fingers moving so fast across these keys its a wonder any of this is coming out as it should! ARGH! mania mania mania angry mania the worst fucking kind! the screaming the disgusting disheartening words that come out of my mouth. i surprise myself with its volume and intensity. i'm ashamed. i hate it. i just lose it lose it and just when i was following the rules and realizing fuck even rules don't matter. there is nothing that wins this. not drugs. not rules. what is it fucking will. well i even had that conversation with myself today. what does it mean not to be this way. not to be bipolar. just to be happy and not explosive over the top happy. just to think one complete thought all the way through to fruition and not a million in one miraculous ideas that can change the world change everything change everyone change me all coming at me all at once. what would it be just to be sad. just sad. cry and it be over. not depressed. not drowning myself in food, in self loathing, and waste. not being so fucking angry that i become such a horrible person . by now my kids hate me. i am a horrible mother. my kids will have issues thanks to me. not mikey's father who did really fucking horrible things that hurt me and was never there. no all me. all me. and the big ugly monster. but anywho back to what i was saying stay on track. if not bipolar. what does that me normal. what does it mean to be normal. do i really want to be normal. oh but i can't have that converstaoin right now...its really really bad thoughts too many worries too many i've lost it was doing so well and i lost it big baby. messy kitchen, messy house, kids hating me i'll probably be up most of the night and have to get up at 5 o clock in morning and fuck typing propbblay if all doesn't cmoe out right because i'm goind to so fucking fast because it is all so fast in my mind oh the well fuck! i'm tired. i'm wide awake. i think how can i sleep with dirty dishes and the kids not taken care of. but yet i can't fucking move. its like i'm paralyzed. frozen in my body when my mind is doing a thousand things. and i lost like 3 fucking hours where did they go i was like there and then it was gone gone gone and now its done and how will i get it back. how will i take back all the things i said and did in that time. all things i didn't do and i can't stop thinking. and i just don't know why my body won't move and yet my fingers are racing wildly against the keys. i can hear you all now. quit being a baby get over yourself and do what you (do yo uknow it just took me like a whole minute just to type one fucking word because i had to do it over again because it just wouldn't come out right and now ont ope of that i actually find myself typing words backwards!) have to do the only reason why you do this for attention the onley reason why you blog on "whore space" is for attention to seem iomportant in y9our own little world in your own self conceited mind. no body caresa and everyone realizes your pathetic. nothing. not who you say you are thats for sure because if you can do this then you can do all those things you said you wanted to do. i'm an out of control animal. so i'm like ok what do i do. i'm stuck. i've been this way for quite sometime and it doesn't get better. it doesn't. and i dont' like who i've become. i cna't go to therapy. can't afford it and i know they will lock me up. they will. once the words start spewing out my mouth and the htoughts and they'll sorry we have no choice. and they'll want to medicate me. i can't. can't do that. can't do meds. can't they're bad. been on them before didn't go well. seen others on them... not well. done the research. i can't do that i won't but this this is no good either i dont' like me. i don't. or atleast not this person. i've chewed all my nails off i got the heat jacked up to 78 un fucking heard of in this hous. cause see i'm cold when i'm suppose to be comfortable. its a comfortabel temp but i'm cold. just like i'm hot when im suppose to be cold. i meanreally i'm an educated person. meaning i don't follow things bllindly i do my research i don't listen t on on oe side of the story. but my head my head that educated part of my head that part that knows me really well says rhiannon oh my god do you realize do you look at yourself you're heading for a fuckign break down. not just ok find the razor and bleed for awhile or even really go nuts and cut uncontrollably, summon a few demons, etc. i mean really really fucking break down. and its scarey scarey. like i just get in this zone now where i freeze. brain freezes, body freezes and i just can't fucking do anythign. i don't even feel like i blink. i'm not there. or for no reason or many reasons i just cry. cry. and i don't want to but i move i cry, bryan says one word to me and i cry. i just cry. and i forget things forget thing me i smart person. i forget what someone just told me. and i'm completely lost. and did i remember to that and what about that. and then i 'm so witty and funny. and i amaze myself just how i pulled that out of my fucking ass. and then i'm here again. neglected kids and house. here again. spinning around in circles. and i look at myslef and i think god this isnt' me it isn't me and when will it stop. when what will it take i don't want to think about that because thats scarey i have scarey enough visions without thinking about that . my head hurts my head is hurting really bad. and now i think i am finally warming up maybe a little too warm. and i keep thinking about poor haakan. passed out on mikey's bed still in his clothes, food on his face, falling asleep upset at me. and i feel so horrible horrible. good mommies aren't like this. and there there i go crying again. and i don't want to work tomorrow. i want to stay home and do what i didn't do tonight be a good mommy. but i'll get in trouble at work. and would it do any good? would it just be another today and isn't haakan and mikey better off away from me if so. but i just don't wanna go. and i think i've slowed. and so i think i will go. and yes....i am weak thank you.


schizo vent XII: holy crap
Current mood: black
Category: black Travel and Places

shit! i did it i called in. and i really went all manic depressive when i did it too. i woke up after actually sleeping in such a sedated bipolar sleep. i didn't take any pills theres is just no other way to describe it. if you're bipolar you know what i mean. i was so depressed and overwhelmed last night i just went kind of numb and began to internally crash. after that nothing but sleep could have happened. i woke up again feeling abolutely paralyzed drug myself out of bed. and knew knew i just couldn't do it. convinced myself i had to and tehn right when i started to get ready, the stupid tears just came. but then i got them under control. five minutes later they came back uncontrollably. i knew if i went in i'd risk really showing my true form to everyone. so i called in. and no i culdn't just make up some lame excuse like the kids were sick or something. anna answered the call and she is one of my bosses. and i respect her. and she always seems to be concerned about my well being. and i just fucking lost it. i started bawling just telling her that i couldn't come in i wasn't well. she sensed the tears in my voice and asked me if everything was ok and i cried even more and get this told her i am bipolar and that i am having a moment. and that i feel awful about it but i just couldn't do it today. oh my goddess what have i done. not only i am sure to get in trouble for calling in but i told her the truth why. oh no. now my secret is out. what have i done. after i got off the phone i immediately started bawling convulsing. then i had a panic attack and now i just want to go disappear. wow thats the first time i've said that in a long time. i could lose everything i've worked so hard for at work. oh shit. god damn...i'm sorry bryan.

schiz vent XIII: foot in big ass fucking mouth
Current mood: worried
Category: Travel and Places


oh good goddess, what have i done? i actually called in this morning. and it wasn't just good enough to say "hey i can't come in because i'm sick" no i had to go "i'm not well" boo hoo and cry like a bitch. and when asked what was wrong i say the words of professional death "i'm bipolar". holy hell! what was i thinking? clearly i wasn't. i had reviews to write today that were due monday! i had people depending on me and i let them all down. i surely see consequence to this. and now i have to go find one if not all of my supervisors and explain that i am competent to do my job. that yes i'm mentally fucked up but i'm not crazy!!!! lol. thats hillarious.

part of me says fuck it. let them look at me all skeptical. let them pull me in their pretty little offices and say to me "now rhiannon you know your absenteeism has become a problem" and fuck me having to prove that i am competent in my job. haven't i already done that enough?

its just who i am. the outspoken. the one who stands up when something isn't right. the inexperienced one. the one who obviously marches to a different tune. oh now guess what....she's a looney! isn't that great!

if only my old supervisor was around. he understood. we once had an employee who was bipolar. she used that for her absences. i told him once i understood where she was coming from because i myself know the signs. he knew what i was implying and told me his mother is bipolar. the next time we talked he told me how remarkable i was that i didn't let it get to me. how i always hold my head up and march on. and he was impressed by that. i told him it wasn't always an easy thing and sometimes it gets to me more than i let on. and he told me if ever if was an issue...it was ok...he understood. he even said if ever needed to reduce my hours for awhile that was cool. but he went away of course all the good ones always do. no one at work has that attitude now. and now i fucked myself!

who knows what will happen? so i'm screamed bipoloar. will they want to talk about it. is it any of their business? will they ask me if i'm getting treatment? and how do i explain to them how i feel about treatment? and thats really none of their business but when it affects work does that make it their business?

ya know i can keep telling myself that i just needed this day to get myself back on track. to get everything physically in order so i convince the mental side to follow suit. and that now after today i'm going to try really hard to stick to all the rules of routine to keep myself in check. but i can't guarantee any of that. this is an unpredictable "disease". so what the hell do i do?

ya know i write these thing for my benefit. i've said that before. getting words out of my head helps a bit. i've also said i write for others going through the same thing. it really matters not if anyone reads it and responds. not to sound conceited and unappreciative, just saying. but where is that one comment. that one that says "i get it...i understand. and you know what you're exactly right in the way you feel, blah blah blah" or even the exact opposite "rhiannon get over yourself. rhiannon you're a fucking arrogant looney and i don't believe in half the shit you write about" i just wonder. for i see i've had 13 views today alone. and 62 for the week. but even if none of those 62 ever respond. and one person read it and said to themself "wow i'm not alone"...then thats good enough for me. and i'm not dumb i know its happened.

true schizo vent XIV
Current mood: schizo
Category: schizo Travel and Places


ok so seriously hearing voices. hearing voice coming out this god damned screen and the volume is all the way down and there is absolutely nothing on the screen that should be making noise.

god damn when will this stop. its getting pathetic out of control. one thing after another after another after another after another after another can't stop another.

voices! like not in my head outside my head not good not fun. want to scream want to cry again want to do things i really shouldn't be doing in times like these. having thoughts i haven't had in ages what the fuck what the fuck.

voices shut up. not real don't want to hear. and whats more, triggers the voices in my brain. yep perfect just perfect now i have to argue now i have to fight when i feel most defeated. head hurts, neck hurts. want to engorge myself on food. want to pop some pills. want shiney shiney shiney sharp things. aw heaven. actually thougth about stopping at the liquor store today. what the fuck is up with that. i don't drink alone. can barely drink socially anymore. its crazy crazy. shut up no. argh stop type breathe ok good. need music need inside the cold or something good cutting music no no no no survival music dolt. remember remember who you are.

seriously am i the only one who has the balls to do this.

pounding pounding pounding bitch no pounding pounding pounding. feel like driving my skull through the wall...no no no no no no stop. k breathe excellent. to disa...no no ok think nothing replace picture it only urges it on. kali picture would be nice. yes kali. call on the great dark mother of death and rebirth. ouch head. neck. ok

wait white fucking noise thats what it is thats the voices right. the voices outside my head. yes. not sure if thats much comforting but atleast that makes sense yes. good. ok. white noice nothing more. yes you may have to deal with some shit no don't even think about that you're not in the state but still the perfect state to take something or someone down. i may seem weak and depressed but i'm quick to the mania and not the good hyper happy mania...anger, pure hatred mania. i'm like a demon. so back off.

schizo vent ?: zoning out
Current mood: subdued
Category: subdued Travel and Places


what is zoning out?

i sit there. all of a sudden realinzing i'm sitting there. for how long? i can't know. can i move? no. i try. i tell myself to. i can even see it in my head but i can't. its kind of like being locked in my brain. i can hear things see them but i'm not there. all those things seem to be coming from somewhere else. i am somewhere else trapped in my brain. it sounds awful, though its not really. as long as the brain is safe at the time which isn't always true. its more peaceful. for until i realize i am zoning out there are no thoughts, no movements of pain, no feeling, no nothing only blankness. but then i realize and my human side tries to break out but once i get past the motions of what is happening its back to being blank. and then all of a sudden its over like it never happened.

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it was a beautiful bright sun shiney day.
so i took a walk through the neigborhood...

children playing all around
laughter filling the air
games of innocence and pretend

can i remember such a time
a place
a warmth that i can't name

a window,
an open window appears to me
of a house i've passed more than once

from the wind the curtains escape
flapping in such an inviting way
lulling the silent sounds from within

i need not approach to see
my eye carries me without a motion
to witness another childish game

one well known to many peers
an act of hope, a dream, of growing up to be
a nurse, a patient, a doctor with his fancy kit

a girl, a boy, another girl
playing clearly the roles that are set
because a girl is a girl that can't be a doc

as a guest she respects
the fact that the youngest
is the nurse 'cause she's the guest

a play you would recognize
she's sick, she's hot, she's gonna die
trusting, she lets the doctor do his job

he feels her head as the nurse checks the temp
she shakes her head with such woe
then gives the doc a small tool

he bangs her knees and makes her say "ah"
then feels her stomach for the cause of pain
it tickes,she laughs, he takes note

the doc points to the door
the nurse grabs her doll
and heads out

now alone only two
boy and girl
patient and doc

i hear a distant rumble in the sky
the sun is gone
the warmth has vanished

this is uncomfortable to be alone
alone with him
she knows this is not good

panic
i panic
panic can't breathe

i've been here before
i know this scene
i know these kids

this house
this game
that boy that girl i know their names

i'm going to run
i won't endure this again
but i'm stuck in this moment that i must relive

the girl she doesn't want to stay
the sun the shine the happy day
outside is where she wants to go

"NO! further examination is needed
no you're sick here i'll look"
he said with such doctor dictation

a guest she is to play the part
a guest respects
so she was taught

still she lies upon the bed
she obeys
soon this that feels so weird will end

how she's so still i'll never know
as i watch his hands
my horrow grows

this is not right this cannot be
they are kids they are kids
i don't want to see

i clearly view what is so plain
a boy acting a man
playing an adults' game

she knows not what he does
she can't be there
she only watches the curtains flap in the air

but i know i know
i am there
i know the pain the despair

the death of innocence
that i cannot stop
the torture the loss

the ability to never feel
i know this little girl
who will never heal

the one who lives inside my head
the busy streets of my neighborhood
the girl that longs only to be dead

the boy he lives
he comes and goes
a master of pretend

he pretends away the years
like nothing ever happened
for her to be so silent all these years

and as i finally can turn to go
the streets are empty
the darkness grows

i will remember her
the girl knows
she cries for my return

to witness the time
the day
the moment when the sun lost meaning
and the darkness began


i'm not sure where i intended to go with any of this. just passages that have been in my head for about a month now. nothing that makes a whole lot of sense to someone else's eyes. it sounds different in my head and comes out in nonsense. it's not poetry though it starts to rhyme. i think thats just natural rythem taking over. its far from some great piece of work. but anywho...its finally out. and i'm sure i'll revisit one day because i can be quite the perfectionist but i suppose until then its just madness...anywho...

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see me taste me blood all through you cut it deep and let it flow so luscious so beautiful as it drips slowly down the tickle on skin slow trickle of life draining away or draining to sweet bliss the taste the smell the satisfaction, beast within a pleasing growl of subtle sin the warmth the cold the embrace mine and mine alone one is not enough, or two but three and if you make three one might as well go to six come alive and alive blood deep rich crimsom stream thank you my silver friend for bringing me here again.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fw6qPVZ5lmE


mainly because i gotta!!!!!!

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so i was cleaning out my drawer in my bedroom and found this. clearly in my handwriting. but really i vaguely remember writing it. really feels like someone elses memory. and interestingly enough it has dried blood smeared on it. i wish i could figure out how to scan it and put it on here but my scanner isn't very cooperative. oh also interesting side note, it was not in the handwriting of any of my other personalities that have ever came through. anywho...here it is, i post here because i think the creatures of deep realm will appreciate it:


DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE WHEN YOU BLEED?
ARE YOU TRYING TO FIND YOURSELF OR ONLY ATTEMPTING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE?
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF
I'M YOUR PERSONALITY OF REASON.

I WILL NOT BE MEAN TO YOU,
I WILL NOT TELL YOU HOW WEAK YOU ARE,
I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO BE YOUR MOTHER,
I AM REASON
THE TRUE WHY BEHIND THE BLEED.

I HEARD YOU ARGUING,
I HEARD YOU STRUGGLING,
I FELT THE UNSTEADINESS LIKE A FOOT WITHDRAWING FROM THE FROZEN LAKE, AS A CRACKLE SHOOTS UP THE ICE.

I DON'T MAKE YOUR DECISIONS,
I DON'T SIT AND CRY WITH THE URGENCY OF DEATH,
I DON'T FIGHT OR SCREAM OR AM I DRIVEN WITH BLOOD LUST TO KILL.

I AM ONLY REASON,
THE BREAK OF SKIN,
THE END OF THE FIGHT,
I HOLD NO MEMORIES.

I KEEP HOLD SO THE BLADE NEVER GOES TO DEEP,
SO IN MORROW WHEN YOU WAKE LOOK NOT UPON ME IN SHAME,
BUT GRATITUDE.

YOUR WELCOME.


gives me a chill when i read it for "reason" describes the other personalities: the little girl, the mother, the mad woman. and it connects with something in my brain. i can feel physically in my skull.

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terrified of myself and let me tell you why ny brain my brain is scarey its operational quantum physical mechanics is abosulutely fucking terrifyiing like the fucking spiders outside my bedroom wall my bedroom wall right below the window where i sleep luckily i have a paranoia of sleeping with my head directly under a window so my head isn't quite under it but its damn fucking close enough those spiders could be on my window for fuck's sake they could be poisonous even though i did the research and know that they are not but my mind things nevermind they could come in come in and crawl all over me and maybe i'll know it and maybe i won't and i'm not sure which is worse and more a more psychotic way maybe they remember me remember my face and how i stared at them and called them creepy and walked away in fear and didn't return maybe they're offended by my fear or worse yet maybe they mistook my fear for fascination creepy creeepy spiders and i like snakes which people will probably say is worse but spiders spiders i don't like them and my three year old has a skin obsession and he has to rub my arm or my leg and its its creepy i tell you creepy cause of the spiders and then theres the thought the thought that i've been trying to in someway to get out of my head all night in some kind of poetical deep fashion and it just won't won't work without souding fluffy and so the thought the thought is still in my head and now i have to go to bed with the thought in my head and now the creepy spiders outside my window and i can't decipher which is more creepy the spiders ot the thought and that can be sick to think on because the thought is bad a memory and i'm use to the thought does that mean i'm comfortable with it and thats enough to make me go vomit right now and then that makes me angry angry at the person who put that thought memory there in the first place and then oh holy crap i become become mad mad in a way thats not angry thats immoral and bad bad and it consumes me and just to get the thought out of my head so i won't have to worry about the nightmares where i wake up screaming and completely frightened and so i won't have to be consumed with a murder i can't commit because i really am a good person and i'm a mother and despite what i convince myself far too many care people me to see me locked up in a looney bin because i gave into my carnal impulse and stabbed someone to death or maybe blundgend don't know if i spell that word right not sure i've ever written it to death and i think i might like myself too much to actually do that as well but i deserve my restitution my revenge fucker anywho the thought the thought is a lie because its a memory a memory that i have been fighting for a couple of weeks now a memory if i posted here and a certain cocksuckin motherfuckin scum of existence ever gets truly cocky and decides to read it he'll know its him and that could open that evil irresistable can of worms of murder that i don't want truly want to open so its this big god damn paradigm that i can't escape and it makes my brain scarey scarey and i don't like it like it but let just say i would want to play doctor and have someone be the patient and have them be innocent unknowing and trusting and completely take advantage of them and make them feel dirty and not right and terrified and then tell them that they're parents didn't want them anymore and if they ever tell what i did to them then the people who they most care about will leave them and they will have no one and i 'll keep it up for 10 years and then i'll still be around in that person's life forever and everyone will praise me as the lost son that no one ever had yes yes there i said it mother fucker want to detest the sunlight for the rest of your life because the FIRST time you were sexually molested was on a bright sunny day with the wind blowing sweetly through the window while birds chirped and the sound of happy innoncent children playing outside filled your ears wanna have such mother fucking issues that you are fucked up sexually for the rest of your god damned forsaken life that you can't make love to the one person who desires you the most because you're fucking terrified like a little fucking virgin bitch and you have to keep it silent silent because you wish to protect the two people in your life that saved you from being an orphan that no one wanted NO YOU DON'T you don't because you can't you are a weak mother fucker who would have offed themselves on day one because you are a foul little bitch and if i don't kill you oh believe me someone else will or you will slowly kill yourself becasue karma is fucking bitch man and to those who read this other than the person who knows this is directed to you know i am not talking about you but this is my brain my brain unchemically balanced in all its glory and i terrify myself and i'm done because my wrists hurt

the end

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ok so all you people who are into visions and blah blah, tell me what you think:


ok so seriously. i'm lying in bed kind of in and out sleep. and i feel the house shake. the bed everything. i hear something moving out in the living room. spooky was sleeping with me, he felt it too. we both jumped up. he started meowing like crazy. i thought someone was breaking into the house. i got up inspected everything and when i realized it was nothing, i went back to sleep. i got up to get my son up for school, turned on the tv and find out we had an earthquake. really really cool......however,

3 years ago, i had a vision. a not so good one. and i had it confirmed through a tarot reading. and peridically since then, i hear the voice "you will know when you feel the earth shake." this is exactly what my vision said, what the person said when she read the cards. i asked then, "when the earth shakes? i will feel it." she responded it with "everyone will feel it". of course first i thought, wow an earthquake but then i thought no, that is very rare for our area. but we had an earthquake.

now i'm trying to convince myself not to freak out. i realy don't want to speak of the vision, but since i brought it up. 3 years ago i was attacked hard core by visions of my mother dying (for those of you who know me that's gert, not my biological mother). she's 78 years old and smokes like a freight train, has chronic pulmonary disease, and doesn't see a doctor or take her meds as she should. anywho, these visions were so real i couldn't function. so i consulted tarot cards through a friend and she confirmed it. when i asked when, she said the whole earth shaking thing (which is exactly what my vision said and what the voice said) but she also followed that up with that she sees a time of harvest, harvest time. so now the earthquake. not harvest time. infact its the exact opposite. but i call her immediately and she's fine (she's been feeling pretty lousy for the past few weeks). but still.

i know, i know, no sense in worrying about something that may or may not happen. but holy shit anywho right?

and again, i know but all the other crap that has been happening to me implying change is coming and how that alone has been leaving me terrified. and i cope with change, welcome change, i'm all about growth so it was weird that the experiences i've been having lately have been implying change and leaving me terrified instead of exciting.

oh sos mynus ma tefres she donsey

don't know what that is i sometimes tend to start speaking in tongues if you will during shit like this. CRAP!

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