I can stand to feel your cold
I can stand to resist your hold
I can stand to think of the old
I can stand to hate your bold

I can('t) stand to fake my position
I can('t) stand to ignore my own vision
I can('t) stand to block my indecision
I can('t) stand to my own mental prision

I can't stand to not see what i feel
I can't stand to let my skin peel
I can't stand to have to kneel
I can't stand to be your last meal

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I would wish to not be hated
I would touch that which is serrated
I would tear up all that's fated
I would see beyond the rated
I would hold that which i created
I would fake to those related
I would laugh as my soul degrated
I would wish were it not overrated

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Like the other day i got a hold of this meditation drug called salvia. i had heard of it befor but it only lasts like 20 minutes maybe even less.so to say the least i wasn't even going to waste my time.but i figured what the fuck i don't care i got time to waste. so i loaded my pipe and took about 3 hits and to tell u the truth that was the longest 20 minutes of my life. like first i started to kind of trip and got kind of weirded out. i can usually control my highs,but it straight up blew me out of the water. i like saw myself but it was like me when i was little. i started to really freak out but then i had and epiphany. i was standing in front of this white door and i heard like fucking crazy voices and shit.and then this loud voice just drowned out the others and said repent and enter. and like it was god or something and i just said for what. the voice came back and said for all. i then i figured it out like what if god tortured u and shit until u repented for ur sins and everyone goes to heaven because even badasses have limits on pain. so like the population in heaven is what is reborn onto earth and like there's no one in hell but the trully evil.u know like even if u don't want to go back to living ur forced and god just like makes u his slave for giving life.but to avoid rebirth and reincarnation u have to hold out for hell. where u can be eternal in the luxury of hell.but as i was coming down from my high i was still hearing voices and like shadows were moving.even though it's been a few days since i did it i still catch things moving out of the corners of my eyes and i feel kind of jumpy for some reason. but for some of the best "meditation" and hallucinations u can handle i definitly recommend salvia. (available at ur local herb shop)

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Well even though it's been like two years since i dropped out of high school i still remember the one cruel and disturbing joke i played many times on people i trully hated.Okay it was like this i hated everyone in my school even if i didn't know them i made up reason's to hate people that tried to be nice to me.I was a loner and that's how i liked it.but anyway i would tell people little rumors about two people i didn't like just to see if they heard it. and i could litterally get people to fight each other just by starting these sick little rumors. it was a small town school so everyone was nosy and had big mouths.the dumbasses wouldn't even question the rumors they just got in each other's face and brawled out. and i got kicks out of watchiing people beat the piss out of each other. one time i even got this little clik to start fighting. i mean they were like good friends and they didn't even give a shit who started the rumor. and no one every suspected me the quiet little goth with nothing but satan on his mind. and i would stand by and laugh my ass off as these dumbshits knocked each others heads in. i didn't care who got hurt or who even won it was just for fun. i didn't even give a shit. JUST FOR LAUGHS!!!!!!

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A dark unfathomed tide
Of interminable pride
A mystery, and a dream
Should my early life seem
I say that dream was fraught
With a wild and waking thought
Of beings that have been
Which my spirit has not seen
Hid I let them pass me by
With a dreaming eye
Let none of earth inherit
That vision on my spirit
Those thoughts I would control
As a spell upon my soul
For that bright hope at last
And that light time have past
And my worldly rest has gone
With a sigh as it passed on
I care not though it perish
With a thought I then did cherish

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i got a few scars i'd to talk about.just humor me i'm bored. like i got one on my shin from when i ran into a post that was way to low into the ground.i got 3 on my head alone. the one in the front of my hair line is from when my uncle came though my bedroom door and hit me with it, the one time i was messing around with my dog and i was going to jump up and tackle him but i hit a door frame and knocked myself out, and the one on the back of my head i just slipped on ice and cracked it open.in 2005 i worked on this ranch and i got a scratch from a barbed wire fence and then the guy i was working for made me clean the outside of his house and i got a bunch of chemicals from the cleaning mixture in the scratch and lone and behold the next day i had a chemical burn that goes half way around my arm and it's about a dime width.i also have a have a heart shaped scar on my lower back caused when i got pegged by a roman candle at close range plus it ruined a perfectly good ICP shirt.

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I have lived in little shit towns my whole life and the one thing that is the same in everyone is the groups that form in every school.u know the preps,jocks,hicks,nerds.But in small towns the groups are weak.and they literally strengthen themselves by giving other people shit.like i developed a taste for heavier music and more violent lifestyles.like burning myself and cutting. and i actually hurt myself for fun i know that sounds fucked up but it's true.lets just say small town "folks" don't appreaciate a bit of humorous violence. and if the adults in the town start to focus negative atention on u then believe it or not so do their nosey kids.like kids started telling officials what i did to myself and the school sent me to a councilor, and i'm pretty sure i knew more than her.she asked me how hurt myself can be fun i told her it's for shits and giggles. i told her fearing the unknown is what makes everyone around here a bunch of stuckup morons say the least the whole councilor and patient confidentiality had a leak and guess what happen next not only did people giv me funny looks they actually started to threaten me. i found that fuckin halarious. and if i pushed back in a threatening way those chicken shits backed out.so their stupid just fueled my liking for those small town folks and i actually like fucking with em just for kick.

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I loved her for her wealth
And hated her for her pride
But when she grew in feeble health
Oh how i loved it when she died

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It was noontide of summer
And midtide of night
And stars,in their orbits
Shone pale, through the light
Of the brighter,cold moon
Made planets her slaves
Herself in the Heavens
Her beam on the waves

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From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were-I have not seen
As others saw-I could not bring
My passions from a common spring
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow-I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone
And all I loved, I loved alone
Then in my childhood-in the dawn
Of a most stormy life-was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still
From the current, or the fountain
From the red cliff of the mountain
From the sun that around me rolled
In it's autumn tint of gold
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by
From the thunder and the storm
And the cloud that took the form
When the rest of Heaven was blue
I saw only demons in my view

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