Hmm been a while since I posted a blog. Things are going alright I guess. I am slowly moving on with my life. I won't lie, some days there are set backs but slowly I am pushing forward and realizing that the whole thing with Mikey just isn't worth the tears any more. If he had truely been a friend then things would not of ended the way they did. That's that and I can't change it and I am not going to even attempt to. I still think something is wrong with me though...I often wonder why it is I keep making people hate me so...maybe it's not all me though...I don't know I am not going to dwell on it right now. I am taking a break from house work and gotta get back to that....blah anyone want to trade? I still gotta clean the kitchen and mop floors.....I am hoping to get a dishwasher here soon. That is on my birthday wish list....Oh please let me get a dishwasher!!!! Kids are doing good....busy as all hell....which I guess is good. Makes the time past by faster. This weekend we have a family gathering...hopefully it goes well...Guess that is all...

View Entry

I'm not sure if I will be around any more on line after this week. Things have just gotten way to complicated and I can't seem to figure out how to deal with it. I lost someone I care about because of my inserceties (sp) (Sorry I know my spelling is very bad right now. And I don't feel like messing with spell check...). I've tried explaining but he won't talk to me. He thinks it was all just some game, but it wasn't. It was never a game to me. I do love him and I care about him. I know that may be hard to believe but I do. I know also some may think how can it be so if you never met him...I can't explain it...he touched a part of my soul...a part I was trying to close off...a part I was wishing would die...but he manged to become something special...I was just to affraid to tell him...to affraid to feel...I mean I am not stupid...he has many women..hell we have talked about it...I asked him to delete some pictures...No not the kind you are thinking...and the reason why I asked him to is cause he found someone else...and what if she was better? I mean she is closer...and what if he did not need me any more? Then what? But the kicker is he doesn't need me...cause if he did he would not of said good bye. Why does it have to hurt? Why can't he see how much I care about him? Sorry for putting out such a stupid blog but I have no one to talk about this and it is eatting away at me...

View Entry

Do you ever wonder what the hell your purpose is for being here? I don't mean on deep realm...I mean in life. I look around me and I wonder is this what it was all ment for. Is this what my life is? Grant it not everything I've done sucks. I do have two great kids which I would not trade for anything and if I had to do it all over I would do it again for them...but the rest. I fucked up.....

I rushed in marriage believeing no one would ever want me...little did I know how true that fact is. However now 13 years later...We have nothing to do with each other...Yes I am mean at times...and I'm not saying I am some helpless victim but I am tired of being ignored. I am sick of being talked down to. I've had it with being told I am good for nothing...Some part of me has to be good. I can't be all bad, can I?

I often wonder why it is I keep holding on and I look at my kids and that's why...But oh how at times I want to let go...I am sick of fucking up.

Now everything I do I 2nd guess. I wonder if I am making a mistake that will only come back to haunt me. I'm playing with fire and I am going to get burned...It's sad when you can't remember what it's like to live with out some type of pain. It's sad when the memories you have are filled with pain, hurt, dissapointment, and every thing else...Behind every false smile are tears...I wear a mask so no one can see...I'm falling apart and the only one to blame is me.

View Entry

Can You Mend Hearts?
By: Mesh

I'm out of faith,
It's harder than the first time,
I seen a face,
It's hollow on the inside,
And it's not our pain,
But we're all to blame,
We'll never take that away,
We'll never take it away.

Can you mend hearts?
Can you fix lives?
Can you fill all the spaces left me with inside?
Can you mend hearts?
Can you blunt knives?
Can you lose all the things I wish I left behind?
Can you mend hearts?

I'm out of faith,
And it won't return tomorrow,
I've seen a place,
So rotten through with sorrow,
And they're not our tears,
But we all share the fear,
We'll never wipe them away,
We'll never wipe them away,

Can you mend hearts?
Can you fix lives?
Can you fill all the spaces left me with inside?
Can you mend hearts?
Can you blunt knives?
Can you lose all the things I wish I left behind?
Can you mend hearts?

Can you mend hearts?
Can you mend hearts?

Can you mend hearts?
Can you fix lives?
Can you fill all the spaces left me with inside?
Can you mend hearts?
Can you blunt knives?
Can you lose all the things I wish I left behind?
Can you mend hearts?

Can you mend hearts?
Can you fix lives?
Can you fill all the spaces left me with inside?
Can you mend hearts?
Can you blunt knives?
Can you lose all the things I wish I left behind?
Can you mend hearts?

View Entry

You know something has to be wrong with you when you mom calls you and the first words out of her mouth are "what the fuck is wrong with you!", stunned by this I asked her what the hell she was talking about and she told me she had read my blog on my space...no big whoop there. Most on my list are family so...then she goes into this whole spill about there was no way in hell one could develop feeling for someone they never ment. That I was being stupid and if I thought such a thing then I am stupid. So needless to say my good mood has gone down hill. I don't get it. She's the one who has always told me don't close my heart off for there could be someone out there and now this...like I am some fucking fool. I would never tell the person in question how I truely feel. For I am no some stupid fucking idiot as my mother seems to think I am. Just goes to show my feelings don't count. They never have and they never will. Then people wonder why it is I want to hide away from the world and pray that I just slip away. Doesn't matter does it? I did not think so.

View Entry

Hey everyone today's KrazeeMyke's Birthday! So if you know him or even if you don't know him be sure to wish him a Happy Birthday



View Entry

Ha Ha I like my blog title. I hate putting titles for I never know what to put for them *shrugs*. Well my parents are down. Things are not going so well. It's a fucking nightmare it seems. You could cut the tension with a knife. I am ready to down my bottles of vodka become an drunk for the weekend. I have no pills so I feel I need something to calm me....but I know that would not really help. In fact it would just make things worse, but I could lie to my self couldn't I?

My Mom is kind of mad at my Dad. She did not realize she was coming down for the weekend. Also she may be losing her job....Also the Dr called my Dad yesterday and said something was wrong with some tests that came back on his liver...can I just bash my head in a brick wall? My marriage is falling apart, my parents marriage is hell I have no clue where it is at any more...I am trying to keep peace with everyone and it is hard. I am walking on egg shells and it's like when ever I say something people are ready to jump me and get there digs in.

I am sick of everyone pointing out my mistakes. I know where I have fucked up. I don't need reminders. All I have to do is walk around with a smile till Monday and keep saying "it's okay" to my self and maybe I will start to believe it. My Mom told me today to pack my shit and move and it's like where? My Dad wanted me to come to this hell and now I am here and now you want me to leave? Yeah I have money flowing from my ass. My husband hates me for moving here. Oh I am to blame that he can't find a fucking job and that his life has fallen apart. I swear if people don't start backing off one day my kids and I will be gone and no one will know where we are. We will just go poof. I do believe this world is big enough to just get lost in it.

Maybe that is what I should do, just go lose my self some where. I just don't fucking know any more. The only thing I do know for 100% in this life is that the only person you can count on is your self. No one will ever be there for you 100% no one will ever understand you 100% in this world your on your own...

View Entry

I have not been on line much lately. I pop in every once in a while to check on my page but that is about it. Kids are almost done with school My son is going into the 7th grade and my daughter is going into the 5th. I am so very proud of them both. They both have done wonderful this year and have really given it their all. Seems we will have a busy summer as well. Today I've got someone coming to look at the pool. It needs some work before we can have it operational. However with the fucked up weather it's not like one would be able to swim right now any way. I've been having more problems with my spouse. Last night he and I got into it big time. I do believe at times if he could kill me and get away with it he would. He made the comment that I am the reason why there is such a thing as domestic violence...and he can see why men shoot their wives...I asked him if that was a threat and he walked away. I've already told my mom if for any reason something happens to me even some stupid ass suicide attempt she is to look into it...cause I would tell her first. My parents will be down next weekend so I am looking forward to that. My Dad has found some home for sale that he and my mom like. They will be moving back down here soon and I am so looking forward to that. Gotta go I am no longer alone. Have a good weekend.

View Entry

Sometimes in life we forget to see the small things that make us smile and that make us feel good...today I got a nice surprise in my email. My father who lives in San Diego sent me a email saying how proud he is of me. I can't tell you how reading that made me feel. It's been a very long time since he has said he has been proud of me. My father and I don't have the greatest relationship...It's no one's fault really. It was just the way things worked out. My Mom never kept me from seeing him after they divorced but he always went through his phases where he wanted to see me then he didn't. I never closed the door though...I always kept it open for just in case he ever wanted to be a part of my life. I often wonder if my fear of people leaving stems from my realtionship with my father. I seem to carry to much crap for one person to handle...here lately I am finding out people whom I thought were my friends, that was nothing more than a joke. Perhaps I am wanting to much....maybe I don't really need anyone I only think I do. I do think something is wrong with me though in the fact that I can not seem to keep a single friend for longer than a few weeks maybe a couple of months if I am lucky....I mean for a while things are great or okay...then it goes to shit. I don't know....maybe it's the other person...but I doubt it...I do believe it's me. Oh well fuck it right? I am starting to get over people and I am making my self not care any more.

View Entry

My mood should really be what ever. Alot has been going on as of late. My sadness has been turning to anger and at times in my mind I can see me bashing people's heads in with rocks...I must say the thought does makes me smile and it really does excite me the thought of hurting someone like that...specially if it is someone I truely dislike and oh boy do I have a list....My Mom wants me to stop taking my med's...I told her nope. Everyone wants me on them so deal with it...I don't want to hurt those whom I love. Oh and trust me I don't love that many. I can name those I love on two hands...maybe one. I am not going to go out of my way either to find these people I dislike...though if they ever happen to cross my path...what fun we shall have....

Anyway I've been trying to keep my self busy with pleasent thoughts other than death...I've been enjoying the nice weather and cleaning house...keeps my mind off of things. My kids are counting down the days till summer and so am I!!! I am so looking forward to summer. I believe this weekend we are going to start working on the pool...yay pool weather!!!! I know where I will be...Might as well find something you enjoy.

I went to the mall yesterday. I needed to go buy some cards for Mothers Day so I went to the music store and three new CD's. One is by this new band called Wednesday 13, they are pretty wicked. I also got a CD by the band 69 Eyes...I love the one Guys voice...and the other CD way by The Birthday Massacre....so I was jamming all the way home Well guess that about does it for me....Gotta go wash some dishes....I really hope I get a dishwasher soon.....*crosses fingers*XM

View Entry

Walk away and leave me be...
There is nothing left for you to say to me.
Words do not need to be spoken,
For the silence says it all....
I reach out for you and your no longer there.
Figures it would end this way between you and me.
I just wish you could see how much you really ment to me....



(Just mindless rambling....funny how sometimes it just all seems to come together...in a sort of messed up kind of way. At least it calms the screaming voices inside my head for a while...Silence is golden....or so they say.)

View Entry

I feel like shit...I woke up around 0200 last night...could not sleep. I did not want to take a sleeping pill cause unless you get 8 hrs of sleep you might be groggry ect...so my dumbass drinks....I do believe I had one to many....It's been a while since I touched the stuff so..and today my daughter has a Dr's appointment...Also my dumbass got pissed about something and I threw my phone and not just any phone....I threw my cell phone and broke it...so needless to say I now have to find my old phone and pray like hell it will work with my sims card and call the phone company and hope like hell they will send me a new phone...Ah what a great day....

View Entry