You can see her there
Staring at her man
You see all the love and care
All she does is all she can
To make him content and smile
And when it happens, it makes it worth her while

You see him sitting on that bed
The cigarette burning between his fingers
His hand holding his head
The open beer bottle on the table
The only thing that makes him comfortable
Such a lonely day for a lonely man
He sits there trying to think of a plan
How to make his life better

"Why do you love me?" he askes. "Why are you with me?"
Oh dear. There he goes. Doing it all again.
She sits on her couch, the phone to her ear
She may not see his drunken state, but she can still hear.
"I have told you before," she says, "if we must come to an end
I wish for us to still be friends."
As the angel hears this, he begins to cry.
The man tells her he does not wish to be her friend
You can see the hurt in her eyes as she wonders why

How can one love so much and feel such pain?
She lies in bed as tears fall as if rain
You can see she cares, you can see the love
Can other angels see so high above?
Through the sadness, she feels confused
The poor child feels so used and abused

He sits on the floor, the music blaring
He's so tired of being alone, his anger flaring.
"No one knows, no one understands," he says.
As he feels the alcohol burning down his throat, he puffs out smoke
His anger, pain, and sadness intensifies
He feels he's about to choke

Tears fall down the angel's cheek
As he watches the man reach for his phone
She sees his name and wishes to be left alone
But she answers anyway; he needs to hear another voice
She didn't have to answer, the angel thinks, but she's made her choice
"I love you," he says to her. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," she whispers
Though in his drunken state, the man yearns for his woman's touch

A new day, the sun is shining
A man with a hangover, it can be blinding.
He calls again to hear his love
She answers, knowing she must be supportive
The angels watches as she visits her love
"The depression is gone," he says
For how long? she asks herself
He asks her if something is wrong
She answers no, trying to remain strong

How much longer will this go on?
The angel asks.
The poor child asks the same question
For a lovely girl to go through this is so wrong
Does anyone have any suggestion?
He does not want her friendship
Only her love
How much longer will this remain a relationship?
She cries to those above

The angel knows he loves her
He knows he hurts her
If you know, why don't you improve?
He hates the life he's in and wants to move
He wants to bring the relationship to the next step
He wants to improve his life

As the couple rests in sleep
The angel prays for each
Help this man lose the booze
Help this woman's strength
She loves and hurts with every breath
And every day he prays for death
God Have Mercy, grant this man another chance
Have something pass him by that he will give it another glance
Help this child remain strong
To help this man, to help herself
Give these people the strength to go along

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Last night I finally went to my first concert ever! I saw Dir en Grey for the first time, and it was the time of my life!

I took so many pics, so many videos, I finally got a Dir en Grey T- Shirt! I had such a blast. The band was incredible. They were better than their album, they were better live than they were on TV, and frickin' youtube! They were absolutely amazing!

I am amazed that I finally saw my favorite band, Dir en Grey! My first concert! My dream came true! I will cherish this moment forever!

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My sister Elyza Jayne gave birth to her little girl Lily Jane this morning at 9:35!

They will be coming home between Sunday and Monday. I have to straighten up a few things.

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FINALLY I GOT THE DIR EN GREY TICKETS! I FINALLY GOT THEM!

I HAVE LOST MY CHANCE TO SEE THEM TWICE! YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, THIRD TIME'S A CHARM!

I AM SO EXCITED, AND CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM LIVE!

YYYEEESSS!



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........Indigenous Native American Prophecy (Elders Speak part 1)

.........Indigenous Native American Prophecy (Elders Speak part 2)


..........Indigenous Native American Prophecy (Elders Speak part 3)


.........Indigenous Native American Prophecy (Elders Speak part 4)

..........Indigenous Native American Prophecy (Elders Speak part 5)

I hope this works.

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I have been thinking about different careers. My original intention is to be a writer. I wanted to write about anything. I wanted to write articles for Dark Realms Magazine. I wanted to be a writer like Laurell K. Hamilton and Konstantinos. I still want to be a writer; I still want to do all these things.

In high school, I kept hearing from all these teachers that I need to look for a back up. I needed to come up with something that is more promising, that makes more money. So I thought about it. And I rememebered wanting to be a aerobics instructor. I had aerobics class back at high school, and I remembered how great I would feel after exercising, and I lost a lot of weight. I felt great, and I wanted to do something like that. So I decided that I wanted to be a aerobics instructor. I am doing college courses on Fitness and Nutrition, and I have one more test left.

Though I am happy with my career choice, I still want to be a writer. Right now I am writing a book. I am basing it on the things I have gone through during my last year in high school, to the present. However, I am adding some fiction into it. I added a lot of fiction in it. I have been working on this book for four years, and I've always rewritten it, and I've even given up on writing it. Just recently I've just picked up my pen, bought a new notebook, and rewrote the story from Chapter One. A lot of work needs to be done with this story.

Another thing that has caught my attention is modeling. I love Victoria Frances, I think that her work is beautiful. The females, the males, the wardrobe, all of it is beautiful. I've always thought of doing some modeling that is like Victoria Frances. I wanted to dress up in Celtic, gothic looking dresses. But I've also thought of adding some other things to it. I am part of Native American, and I want to bring a little Native American into the art form. I thought that I would never do the modeling thing because you have to be super skinny, hardly eat. And I love eating! I like staying in top shape, but I also love eating. I didn't want to be a model for that reason. But I don't want to be a supermodel, like Tyra Banks. I just want to model like the other girls I've seen, just to show off the beauty of the gothic lifestyle. Only I want to show the beauty of the gothic lifestyle and the beauty of the Native American culture.

It's funny. You think of all these things that you want to do with your life. But there is so much more that you want to try, that you want to do. I don't know what I want to do. I want to try everything. I don't know a thing about modeling, I don't know a thing about cameras, or make up. I don't know how to put make up on! I don't know how to dress up my hair. But it sounds like fun to do. Could they be dreams, or all they all just fantasies?

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Have a fear of spiders, a fear of snakes.

They make you both quiver and shake.

Have a fear of life, a fear of folks.

They both make you feel like you're about to choke.

Have a fear of trusts, a fear of relationships.

If you can't have both, then you'll never have friendship.

He hurt you - he took your dream away, then went with her.

Oh how you cried, how you were hurt.

Then he wanted you back, just wanted to talk.

No, no talking. Walk away from the past. Just walk.

Rule number one for yourself - Sloppy seconds should never be your style. You don't want to add more to the pile.

This one made you feel special, made you feel loved.

It was as if he was sent to you from up above.

He was "your first love", your first online long distance relationship.

The oddest, awkward form of courtship.

You've never met, you've never kissed.

Stupid line - "Ignorance is bliss."

It was hard to keep up with the stories, the lies.

So long they were, coming from miles upon miles.

*Rule number one - Sloppy seconds should never be your style. You don't want to add more to the pile.

Rule number two - On again/off again relationships should be a no - no. Should have been off from the get - go.

You've shared a love for this lifestyle and what it stands for.

You've admired the people of the lifestyle and more.

You try so hard to maintain an image, but it's more than one.

It's because of these images that your freedom cannot be won.

It's the fear of these images that's holding you down.

Only you can fight for your freedom, not the other way around.

This one. He's not like you, and yes, he's a pain in the ass.

But he seems to be the one who can see past your masks.

He knows what it is you feel, what it is you need, what it is you want.

He knows you avoid it, and that you'll never admit it.

Oh yes, he's a pain in the ass!

He's the only ass who can see past your mask.

But one question, do you?

It's ok to be private - not everything is everyone's business.

Let's try to be open enough to avoid a bad mess.

Mama always said, "Give 95% of your heart, and keep the 5% to yourself."

Wise advice. The first advice still applies - 95% to others, and the rest of the 5% is your privacy.

Rule 1 - Sloppy seconds should never be your style. You don't want to add more to the pile.

Rule 2 - On again/off again relationships should be a no - no. They should have been off from the get - go.

Rule 3 - It's ok to be a private person, but don't be private to yourself.

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It's been so long since I've seen him.
It's been so long since we've kissed.
The good times we had are truly missed.
The end times of us are not forgotten.
I remember how it made me feel so rotten.
He's given so much, and it was taken away.
It is not forgiven; I stand alone day by day.

I long for many things, some adventure.
I yearn for the day I make for departure.
To live a life that I have hidden for so long.
It takes so much to remain strong.
I want a new friend.
Will we be together till the end?
I want a new beau.
Where to find him, where to go?

There's a hungry feeling and it's strong.
It feels so good, but it feels so wrong.
When it's over, there's relief and shock.
Sometimes I wish for a real cock.
I wish for something to be real.
"Make me scared and satisfied."
I dont' want to be dominated by a partner, having to kneel and heel.
I want someone real, to make me real.
I want someone to love.
Does anyone know what I speak of?

I've been alone for so long.
How is it that I keep going on?
I live life day by day.
I read, write, sleep, eat, but don't pray.
I try not to live a life in hiding.
Sometimes I don't know what I do, think, even what I'm writing.
I feel like I've been wearing a mask all my life.
I am still learning who and what I am.
I try so hard to maintain an image, and I do the best I can.
Sometimes I feel like my best isn't good enough.
I'm arrogant, stubborn, shy, headstrong, but not quite tough.

I hate competition, not much of a competitor.
I win or I lose; I'm not a quitter.
I'm a truthful person, but I have lied.
Who hasn't?
I've made mistakes and learned from them.
The best I can do in this game called life.
The only way I see to make things right.
To move forward instead of backward, be the best.
Or else end up in a coo - coo nest.

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It is you who I miss the most. You were the onle who would call, ask to hang out.

The laughs we shared, the conversations we had. The fights! We had crazy ones! A lot of them stupid, a lot of them serious. Some of them almost destroyed our friendship.

It was caused by jealousy from your significant other, it was caused by some of our own friends, and even strangers. Some of them you claimed to be evil forces, forces we supposedly had to fight.

The love I had for you as my brother was so strong. I was ready to fight for you, with you. I still see that bad dream in my mind; you dying in my arms, we were alone, blood coming from your mouth, blood on my hands. Your blood on my hands. I was wrong my brother, I didn't see you dying in a fight, that war you spoke of.

Maybe I saw the death of our friendship.

Maybe I saw the death of your love for me as your sister.

Maybe I saw the death of my love for you as my brother.

I keep looking for a replacement, someone I can talk to.

Someone I can love the way I loved you, my brother. My former brother?

Who knows? Maybe more than the way I loved you.

I keep looking for that person who can take your place.

The truth is... No one can.

No one can ever take your place.

I miss being there for you. I miss you confiding to me.

I miss you being there for me. I miss confiding to you.

Do you have any idea how terrified I am to win back your friendship? What for? More unwanted bullshit drama. More bullshit lies. And now with this going on between our siblings.

What is going on through that mind of yours?

What is going on through that heart of yours?

What is going on through that soul of yours?

About them? About us?

Again, I am terrified to know the truth.

I hate myself sometimes. I hate that I left you. I hate that I still miss you. I hate that I still love you as my brother, my friend.

Who are you now?

Who and what am I to you?

I have no idea who or what you are to me. I don't know anything anymore. And that hurts. It hurts more than when I was with you, protecting you, loving you.

My former friend? My former brother?

I guess it must be.

Our friendship is forever lost.

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There will always be the time that you find yourself thinking about them.
You remember a lot of things: the things they did to make you smile, laugh, cry, angry, sad; you start to remember the good times and the bad; the times you wanted to last forever, the times you wished never happened; the times you would love to return to; the times where you wish you could make sure never happened to begin with.
But alas, there comes that time you just don't think about it anymore.
It could happen while you are with someone else, as a friend or someone special.
Or it could happen after your time alone.
Pain will never be rid of you, and you will never be rid of pain.
They say, "Time will heal the scars". Not always true.
Depending on how deep the pain was, the scars always remain.
A constant reminder.
The wound always heals. Doesn't mean we don't forget what it felt like.
There comes taht time where you don't think of it as much as you used to.

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It's not the first time she's been having dreams that don't make sense. It's not the first time she has dreams she can't remember.

Whenever an image or vision, whatever it is supposed to be called comes to her, she always feel either confusion or anger first, never fear. When the image of her sister being hurt, catching her breath, falling to the ground, she felt anger because she felt threatened. They were threatening her with her sister's life. She was angry, couldn't breathe, couldn't stop shaking, couldn't think straight. Just kept thinking angry thoughts; they were hurting her. "Leave her if it is me you want!", she cried in the vision. "Leave her and take me!"

This other dream she had had, she was still with her boyfriend. They were happy, as usual, to be together. The clouds were getting thicker, darker. Thunder clasped. Lightning across the sky. It always excited her in reality as well as in the dream. Rain falling hard. She heard her sister calling for her. She ran toward her. She was safe, shelter, dry. But what's this? Her old friend. She used to love him as her brother, she used to look up to him. Not anymore. He was with his girlfriend. They used to be friends too. They used to always laugh for the stupidest reasons, even no reasons at all. Just to laugh. Laughing was always good. But not anymore. She didn't want to be with them. Where's her boyfriend? He's gone. "He left me. He left me all alone. Why? Why would he do that?" She was alone, with two people she wanted nothing to do with. She was alone with these people she used to love, but now can no longer bare the sight of them. Her former brother in particular.

Another dream. She was with her boyfriend. In reality, he is now her ex. He had a lady friend. She was still with them both. They were at a toy store. An old friend from elementary came to say hello. Something caught her gaze. She looked in the direction her friend was looking. There she saw her exboyfriend kissing his lady friend. Funny, that's how we used to kiss. Shock, hurt, she didn't care any longer. She left. Then she woke up.

Strange how those last two dreams seem interrelated somehow. She feels as though these dreams came to her for a reason. They are telling her something. They have told her something. They already told her. It already happened.....

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