The inescapable loneliness…
Surrounded by those who claim to be “friends,”
“Lovers~” portrayers of an emotion, an addiction,
Of a feeling they crave…
Longing for another rush from a conquest that will
Lead them back to that incomprehensible low…
Eroticised in the fantasies of what may be~
Of what may become of a fleeting
Moment in the night’s passing…
A blood lust- unable to be quenched~
Mine- his- ours combined…
Am I his submissive slave, or
Is he mine?
The query remains unanswered.
Yet I push on- ever driving the madness-
The fury slashing deeper into soulless souls,
And demonic desires pursued infinitely
Consummated in moonlight’s passion and serenity…
And, again, visceral I become,
To shove back the loneliness-
Fulfilling the inhuman needs…
Another victim;
Another slaken lust for tonight.


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It always seems like forever ago since I've seen a light as brightly blazing
As the flame between us, although
It is kindled and reignited each twilight by the sun's setting rays...
For we only come out at night...
The shadows conceived by moonlight create our playground~
The places we feel safe...
Where our passions, unbridled, come forth deafeningly to embrace
The midnight's ethereal serenity...
I can see it here and now before me, laid plain as my own blood,
I feel it the same as I would a knife~
And as sharply acute, having pierced my virgin flesh...
A maddening, sick, and growing passion which cannot be quelled...
Cannot be quenched by fire or water, by earth, or by air...
In these moonlit moments where our screams echo and intensify,
Redoubled and sung out...
I lose my humanity and become something more visceral.
And if human I was~ I am no more.
And when dawn comes, screaming, with her sunlit rays,
And sleep must overcome my wracked limbs...
The frenzy, again, seems to fade into vague memory, too far gone...
Till we meet againin that same, white-hot blaze, at twilight's embrace...
And I am lost, and lost again, to the inhumanity and intensity,
And that unquenchable thirst overcomes me again.


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Once again I’ve found my hopes vanquished before me,
There was nothing for me to reach for in the first place.
The dreams I clung to as a child were mirages in a
Desert full of demonic temptresses bringing me closer to this moment.
Begging me closer to the moment of giving in…
And every toddling step I took,
Every wincing glance I dared,
Were toppled and blinded.
I’ve given over to the beauty and solemnity of my hopelessness.
And now those demons embrace me, and wipe my tears away,
As all humanity falls from me;
As I am lost, and night claims me once more.


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I sit alone, Locked in my thoughts…
Trying to focus on the things I've set out before me:
Trying to bleed out the last wretched pieces of my humanity
The last insignificant shred of human emotion…
Those who were closest to me told me in hushed tones:
Those things would make me stronger,
In time the wounds in my mind, heart and soul
Would heal…
But Time's footsteps crept on at a pace slower than
A dying mother's freezing tears,
And I have grown sick of waiting.
And so I tear, with eagle talons at my soul,
And rip with razor sharpness at the last remaining
Bits and pieces of the things that made me "whole,"
Till those pieces lay shattered and broken on the floor,
With the blood splattered on the walls of what I used to be.
Yet I shall come again from the ashes,
And thrive on the anguish that spawned me.


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We walk together in unbroken steps,
Through the shadowed corridors~
My Familiar and I...
She, with her narrow yellow eyes, guarding me;
And I; searching for our evening sustenance.
Two huntresses in the evening shadows~
Avoiding humanity, till her fearful gaze meets that of my Familiar.
I feel the human emotion and weakness lurking there,
And it telling me that she is ripe, and willing.
My companion confirms my intuitions, and I strike.
For another night~ our lust is sated.

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There’s a sudden chill to the air, as he enters my line of sight,
Flowing into the room in a blaze of beauty and fiery glance, as always
I am unable to take my eyes from his shape; to still the maddening race
Of blood through my icy veins, pumping ever quicker to my heart,
To serve me as a reminder of what I wish I could forget was there for him…
Its pace ever-quickening at his slow, grace-filled approach…
Those eyes staring holes straight into the center of the very things
I wish to conceal from him…
I know he sees what he’s brought forth in me…
Arisen bestial desires lain put to shame for centuries-
He’s brought heightened more acutely back to life
A thousand times more ravenous than a babe who’d never known his mother’s breast…
Now watching it grow again before his deceptively angelic eyes:
That deliciously hellish fire he built in me that I could never deny…
As he sweeps me up in his gaze and I am thoroughly lost and lost again…
And he encircles me, as the room disappears,
And I know he’s come for me, to steal away the last bit of soul that remained,
And I cannot deny it- cannot refuse it any longer-
I must give in to sublime submission,
Relinquishing what little opposition I held and giving over
For the last time- for eternity- I am lost.

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Went to my first show of the year last night, and it was fucking awesome. Believe it or not, Rob Zombie came to my little hellhole state and played a great show. He had Piggy D on bass and John 5 on guitar, who did his own little solo and made the show that much better. I have bruises on my leg, and my ears are still ringing (always a sign of a great show.). He played at a small venue, so he didn't have his usual elaborate stage show, but it was still by far the best show I could have gone to to kick off my new year.

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A certain kind of numbness is setting into me again. I call it returning to normal. It's comforting in a way. And though my inspirational drive dwindles a bit during these times, I ride the river's torrent like a helpless drowning child, letting it carry my body where it will, and do what I can in the meantime. I will survive just as I always have. I remain comforted by this apathy, and will make what I can of my music and art while the apathy remains, making apologies to any who are dear to me, who may be hurt along the way.

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